rob bell.

This is a rather difficult blog for me to write. Challenging and daunting to say the least. Today John Piper, a man i greatly respect in the faith sent out a tweet reading "farewell rob bell" along with a link i will include at the end of this blog. The article attached speaks of how bell's next book was influenced by a member of a church saying that "gandhi is in hell". The blog that follows is not concerning Mahatma, but rather the greater question of universalism and the influence Bell's latest book, "love wins" and the ideology it holds will have on my generations earthly and eternal message.

First, id like to start by saying Rob Bell never had a greater advocate than Bre Little. I've been a huge supporter ever since reading "velvet Elvis" for the first time in college. It made so much sense to a questioning college student, even making the Christ id followed my entire life remarkably more accessible. There is actually an entry in my phone titled, "rob bell hater" because I believed this person had unfairly judged bell.I know rob bell's books, teachings, and videos have held that type of influence on many 20-somethings and beyond. I have a friend with no desire to be part of any religion or denomination that loves bell because of the quality of the NOOMA videos. Within my generation it would be difficult to find someone who yields more influence, so it is with great regret I have to disagree with him today.

Universalism is the idea that a loving God would not subject anyone to punishment or harm. This type of thinking generally dismisses the idea of hell completely and, in John Bevere's words, call upon a "big cover up" grace that covers every sin. I think this is a beautiful idea. Having dealt personally with the tragic suicide of a young cousin, it would at times be nice to rest assured I'd never have to as a difficult question about faith ever again because everything was taken care of and everyone got to heaven in the end. It enables individuals to live reckless lives with not consideration if the life to come and the example of holiness Christ set.

Seeing as bell is still considering himself a Christian, lets throw the word of God into the mix and see how dangerous this conclusion is:

1.) universalism voids the need of humanity a savior.

Romans 3;23-"for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god." the new testament goes on to state that there is, "none righteous, no not one." (Romans 3:10) humankind needed a savior, this is the message of the old testament, the history of the Jewish people. God brought the prophets to foretell to the children of Israel that one day the Messiah would come, inhabit flesh, and redeem what was taken in the garden. Later, Christ would come and say that he did not come to abolish the law of the old testament, but to fulfill it, to make it go further so we could rely on the work of the holy spirit in our lives to live a godly life.

2.) universalism devalues the need of Jesus Christ for entrance into heaven.
The word is clear that the only way into Heaven is through salvation through the blood of Jesus Christ, "salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under Heaven given to men by which we MUST be saved" (acts 4:12) No amount of good works or wise words can gain ones entrance into heaven. Jesus is the entry ticket, the blood of the cross gives us access as sons into a place we could never work ourselves into as slaves. John Bevere says, "you'd be wise to do the 'should do's" (in the bible) but you'd be a fool to not do the "must do's". Salvation comes through no one other than Christ.

3.) universalism makes Christ only another teacher (like gandhi) and removes the value of the death and resurrection.
The cornerstone of Christianity is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Without the resurrection there is little clout the Christian faith can place above Islam, Buddhism, or other religions. Muhammad and Buddha said wise things that can be applicable to lives just as Jesus did, however the defining concept of Christianity is that we serve a Risen Savior. If universalism is truth, than it makes little difference which earthly god we serve or if we choose to serve earthly passions because we will all end up in the same place regardless.

4.) universalism neglected any need for holy living and life-change after accepting Christ.

My final point against universalism is taken from Matthew 7:16 that states we will be known as Christ's by the fruit of our actions. Holiness is the reaction to a changed life in Christ, it is coming up to his level of living. 1 Peter goes even further, urging us to "be holy as I (god) am holy". The urging and need for a holy life cannot line up with the thinking bell seems to be promoting in his new book.

All that being said, I still want to believe the best of bell as he has been influential in my personal Christian walk, however my fear is that this will lead a generation into lives of darkness, pursuing their own wills without regard to consequences or what is holy.

In all honestly, I have a hard time listening to John Piper preach. Piper is so bent on holiness i have a difficult time understanding how i could ever measure up to the level he is setting in deed and word. I Do, however believe the greater need today is for a generation to wake up and say, "how holy can i be?" not "what can i get away with?"

Louie Giglio preaches that we need to start talking about Jesus more because everyone has a "god". Most everyone has something that they serve daily. What makes us special, what sets the children of the most High apart is that God has a name...JESUS.

Can everyone go to heaven?? YES, through Jesus!!

So I plan to not criticize bell and act like I have it all figured out from this point forward, but rather to carry the name of Jesus the same way I carry a Louis Vuitton purse...everywhere.

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/02/26/rob-bell-universalist/

First blog.

So this blog is a lot of firsts, and I'm going to keep it short because i have tea on. This is the first blog I will write after going into the ministry full-time (and at the same time making myself the target of an all-out satanic attack, this is my first blog of 2011, this is the first blog on the new blog (that wasnt copied and pasted), and this is the first blog on my iPad. It's difficult to pinpoint which is the most exciting.

A lot has changed in a year. Not only did I step into my calling and accept my first ministry gig, but I'm in the process of becoming a reverend and a master (getting credentialed and in graduate school). Like everything else I have ever done with my life, of course, I came ito every title (pastor, student, associat, peer) with crazy expectations not only of myself but the other individuals i would encounter along the way. Needless to say: I never sleep and have placed unrealistic trust/expectations on myself and others. Being a grown up isn't always fun, but i suppose it is necessary.

Okay i was just checking in to see if anyone ever reads this. I'm off to drink tea and watch Grey's anatomy, tomorrow is my day off which is code for: four hours of sleep, wake up, go to the church, and work on school during the daylight.

red.

for those of you who have wanted to see my red hair:

Purpose.

I've heard it said that some people wander aimlessly through their lives to only find their true purpose on their deathbeds. What is more sad is that most of these people's purpose lived with them, breathed with them, inhabited the same homes, shared the same street their entire lives. So often we are so distracted by things that may never happen, or opinions of people who don't matter, or are obsessed with an image of ourselves we would like to create, we don't look at the bigger picture going on around us. We trade in our true purpose for a second-rate state of ordinary that will at least be competitive with our neighbors and peers. 

I have been thinking a lot about purpose lately. When I was a teenager, I remember being so full of destiny, hope, and courage to believe my life would count for something beyond what I could achieve in my own capacity. I remember having dreams and ambitions that seemed so unbelievable now, but so tangible then. There have been days where I have thought back to the sense of urgency I held to winning the lost, living a life of integrity and uprightness, and using my brief time on earth to matter for eternity. How far removed my young-adult life is from those undiluted, uninhibited goals of changing the world. Why do we so often let life, disappointments, and personal failures compromise our callings? 

A lot has happened since I graduated high-school. That bright-eyed girl was hit with a hard dose of reality, personal sickness, heartbreak, and shame. A lot of life was packed into the past seven years, and with that living came much doubt. Some of my pain was self-inflicted, some of it was not. Through it, however, I rationalized that the plan of God for my life must be different from the one that bright-eyed teenager had. It wasn't big, over the top, part of a larger story that started with God and ends with God. No, it was practical. It was comfortable. It was ordinary. 

For the past five to seven years I've searched for a place...any place in my life to feel safe and content. I've tried different churches, different relationships, different schools, different majors, different jobs, different locations, all ending up in the same place. Dissatisfied. Unhappy. Wanting more. I've tried to convince myself on multiple occasions that my current path is the path I'm supposed to walk down. "This is what a loving relationship looks like." "you'll be happy if you get this degree, or take this job." Yet for the past seven years I could not pinpoint one moment where I have felt absolutely and completely content, at peace with myself, and happy with my place in life. 

I attribute this "lost" feeling to not being in my purpose. Not living out the thing I was placed on earth to accomplish. Not doing what I was naturally gifted at. The thing I would do for free. The thing I would devote myself to if I knew I only had a limited amount of time on earth to live.

See...here's the deal. Sometimes I forget that my life isn't about getting God into my life and my future. Life isn't about God having His way in my relationships or career ambitions. God's story has been going on longer than I've been alive. Longer than the universe has existed. This Great God of the Universe, however, has chosen to give me a role (however small it may be) in this story He is telling. This epic love-song He is singing to creation...and all this time I've been worried about figuring out my life, on my time-table, to fill my own selfish desires and aspirations. The things the world tells me I need. A good job. A husband. A house. A couple kids. A mortgage. 

For the last few years I've been spinning, trying to find a way to fit God into this tiny little story I was creating for myself that, in the end was all about me and ultimately would make me miserable. As most of you know I have spent the last year of my life killing myself with science and math classes to apply to nursing school. I finally felt like I was on a plan to getting away from home and in two years having a wonderful job that paid well. Somewhere I could work, then leave work at the hospital and do what I wanted with life. I was so excited when I was accepted. I made plans. I gave myself pep-talks. I agonized my way through classes that didn't interest me because I finally felt like I had done something right. Then purpose came knocking...

You see, with as great and admirable as being a nurse is. With as wonderful a job and income as it would afford me...I could be the best nurse in the world and still be miserable. I could work as an RN at Columbia, married to the head of Neurosurgery and still cry myself to sleep every night. Not because there is anything wrong with that life, but simply because it is not where I am supposed to be. It's not the place my life is meant to fit in this grand epic that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the Kingdom. And this fact has tugged at my heart since I was a little girl, that I would never be happy unless I was doing the thing I was set out to do before I was born.

Maybe we talk ourselves out of our purpose because as we mature, get older, and inevitably make mistakes, we feel like we are no longer worthy of our calling. Maybe we feel like it was a great dream for a young-person, but now we need to be practical. In my case it was a little bit of both. I made mistakes, I disappointed myself. A lot of things happened to me from the death of my aunt and cousin to my jaw surgery that I couldn't rationalize in my mind. I still didn't understand why I had to go through these things. So I talked myself out of it. I settled for less, thinking it might be enough.

For those of you who know me, you are well aware of the calling of God on my life to speak from a young age. I've felt called to preach since I was five or six years old. I think I viewed this as an easy choice seeing as I grew up in a minister's home, around ministry. Of course I wanted to be a preacher. While life and circumstances have attempted to separate me from this passion, the desire has only grown. 

You can't outrun your purpose. And you can't fight the Almighty for very long.

So to make a long story extremely short. Last week I started nursing school. This week I withdrew from the program I was in to whole-heartedly pursue the call of God on my life to ministry. I realize this will mean sacrificing a lot of things that make me comfortable, consecrating every decision of my life to the Holy Spirit, and not looking back. I realize the change this means. I understand the costs, and I have never been more confident in a single decision in my life. 

Over the past five days I have already had offers for full-time ministry. The presence of God has been so strong upon me I've felt dreams I had forgotten and new dreams come to life. Although I do not know all the details of this life-long commitment to the work of God, I know for the first time in a long-time I am exactly where I need to be at exactly the right time. 

Being content is a funny thing. Everything around me has remained the same, but it looks completely different. I have changed. My priorities are changing. A weight has been lifted, and I am determined to be the best example of what a Christ-follower looks like to the world that I can possibly be. I want to change the world, and I'm remembering now what it feels like to think that might actually be possible.

All the heartbreak of the past years, all the mistakes I have made will only serve to benefit the kingdom. I realize now that going through things doesn't make you less of a Christian. Making mistakes doesn't belittle the anointing upon your life. When you are able to accept circumstances and admit mistake, yet point to the forgiveness, the mercy, and life-changing power of God, you have an ability to relate to the lost. You have way to give hope to others facing impossible circumstances. I am so thankful for a God who doesn't give up on me just because I gave up on myself. 

This is the starting of something new. This is the start of something fresh. I feel in most every way like this is the start of my life. 

I understand that some people might not understand my decision, or support it, and that's alright. I thank everyone who has prayed for me in the past weeks and those who have been praying for me my whole life. Thank you for journeying with me this far...I hope to keep all of you around for this incredible adventure. 

There is a lot going on right now, I will post more information about my plans as they become available. Until then. Many blessings and as always, all my love.

in the zone.

Have you ever had a moment where your life seemed to suddenly make sense? As if all the pain, confusion, crap in life all of a sudden brought forth the most real, authentic image of a feeling you thought was only fictitious ? A feeling so surreal that feeling it for only ten minutes could keep you hoping and believing for a lifetime?

I have had a few moments like that in my life. One in particular tonight. I think many things contributed to it (not in the least a very moving episode of grey's anatomy), but nevertheless I am up at 3 am after taking Lunesta trying my best to keep this feeling from dying. Holding into every moment I can squeeze out of tonight. So often I'm afraid waking will make it as though the feeling was never there, as if I didn't grasp full ahold of life for that moment. 

I don't have much to say, I am in a zone. I am in a zone physically, spiritually, and emotionally I would devote my entire life to. If only every component of our thoughts, intentions, spirits, and bodies were so aligned every day, in every decision...

Eclipse.

I suppose it comes as no surprise to anyone who remotely knows me that I would write a blog on the latest Hollywood installment of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. I realize these movies have developed something of a cult-like following because of teenage infatuation with the forbidden story of vampires and werewolves falling in love with a human, but to me this story has touched a profound, even spiritual chord.

First, I should start by saying I do not read fiction. I had not finished a fiction book since reading Jane Austen at the age of thirteen until I graduated from college. Under the advice of a well-educated friend who  said reading fiction is critical for the analytical mind, otherwise the mind would "explode," I picked up Stephanie's first book after being intrigued by the advertisements for the first movie.

What I found in the pages of this book wasn't necessarily life-altering. I didn't start dreaming of a pale, perfect boy suddenly wisking me away to a world of immortality while telling me he would never change a single thing about me. I didn't wish I had the power to read the minds of those around me. (It didn't work out too well for Mel Gibson after all.) These stories resonated with my soul, because I felt often like I could have written them.

I relate not to Bella, the plain, human girl who is torn between love for two seemingly perfect men. I am drawn to the fierceness of the love that Edward and Jacob share for her. Protective, selfless, unrelenting, unchanging. Like a magnetism between their souls. Both these characters have no greater desire than to see Bella safe. Their ambition has nothing to do with their own personal gain, happiness, or even the thought of winning some prize against the other. In a world seemingly consumed with failed marriage, heartbreak, and one night stands; I can't help but wonder if I am the only one who still believes love conquers all?

It seems to me that society is so fixated on having what they want when they want it, people are often dating simply because the person lives near them, or marrying simply because they feel it is time in their life to settle down. Relationships begin and end at warp speed, married to the idea of personal pleasure and happiness. When some obstacle gets in the way of our mindless, simple relationships, we bail for something we know will not cause us pain. I have often asked myself after witnessing friend's divorce only months-a few years into their marriages if they truly loved the person they bound their life to, or the idea of love, the idea of security, the idea of companionship, or if they were terrified at the thought of being alone.

I have dated my share of guys, rushed in when I should have taken a second look, listened to the people in my life telling me what a good idea it was, but I don't know if I can truly say I have been in a healthy, mutually loving relationship. It is difficult to find someone who views the idea of companionship, mutual partnership, grounded in the idea that love is something so rare, beautiful, and sacred that once you've found it you are a fool to ever let it go. Although I don't think I have experienced this fierceness in a romantic relationship (probably because I've dated the wrong guys), I have tasted love's fire.  I know my capacity to love.

I have seen it played out in my relationships with friends who I would rather let blaitently hurt me than turn my back on them. I see it in the way my language describes that thing we are all seeking. I am always drawn to the surreal, not necessarily practical characters in books and movies. I choose to believe that love is something that finally convinces the individual to say, "Okay, it really isn't all about me."

Like in the movie, I am not searching the world for a man who would bow at my feet, take a bullet for me, or give me everything I want. In many ways that is the opposite of my longing. Like Edward, to simply be able to love someone so much, knowing full well they might hurt you (because they are only human), or leave you (because humans make stupid decisions), knowing that person is safe is the only thing that dominates you mind. Being able to love them is what you get high off of, not necessarily getting that love in return.

I am reminded of the story of Hosea and Gomer in the Old Testament, and the shadow it gives of Israel and Yahweh, and of Christ and the Church. Regardless of how many times the bride turns her back on her beloved, she is never forgotten. She is never cast out. Mercy resonates through love. I hate to think of how many times I have behaved like Gomer in my relationship to the Almighty, and maybe my realization of my personal failure is what has given me the capacity to believe in something larger than what popular culture and 95% of the population is looking for and failing to find.

The love of God is impossible to understand, fathom, or comprehend. In much the same way the human love I hope and dream of is difficult to understand with eyes viewing only the natural. In Eclipse, Bella tells Edward that she truly does love Jacob, a truth she had been running from. She counters this statement by saying, "But I love you more." Edward doesn't flench, grow mad, or demand she never speak to Jacob again. He simply assures her, "I know," and trusts her love is enough to keep her in his arms. Did it hurt Edward? I'm sure. Was Hosea heartbroken by Gomer's unfaithfulness. Is God not jealous the idols we daily place in front of our devotion to Him? No. But the story here mirrors the love God has for us. He knows our flesh is weak, he knows we will love other things, the only request is that we love Him more. Always, forever, and that that love would outflow into our lives so that eventually our lives become aligned with what we love the most.

That love is not often found in human kind. A love with absolute trust and faith. I have heard so many love stories of couples separated by war and distance, who never wavered in their devotion. Writing beautiful, handwritten letters to their beloved after months, even years of absence. Distance seems to be the nail in the coffin of so many potential friendships and loves in our society. If we cannot have what we want now, we don't want it at all...even if the wait is well worth it in the end.

We know the story, Bella choses Edward. Bella asks to be changed, not so she can live forever, but so she too can protect her beloved. Not to extend her life, but His.

It makes me think there is something worth holding out for.

But for the record. I am team Alice/Jasper.

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solo.

When you are a performer, like me, you are always aiming for a solo. You are always dreaming of going out on your own, center stage, spotlight on, every mind in the audience focused, for a few moments on your gift. Spotlights are not easily shared among artists of any kind, and I would be lying to say I do not long for that feeling, the adrenaline of knowing you can't mess up, the affirmation of applause. In our own way, I think we all search for our own spotlight, regardless of where the curtain may be.

I started thinking about this tonight as I was unable to get to sleep. The idea of doing something alone. The idea of getting all the credit. Sure, it might be a great feeling for five minutes, but it is no way to live your life. Even Miss "Center of Attention," Bre understands this all too well.

I have been in a very low place in my life lately. Not that anything is necessarily going wrong, but just high-stress, physically exhausted, and frustrated with my current place in life. Not that I'm complaining about any of these things. Not necessarily that I am unhappy, but overly extended and stressed beyond what I feel my body is able to handle. Too many things to be done in days that seem to pass like light years. Nevertheless the greatest enemy I have to combat daily isn't College Algebra or Psychological Statistics, it isn't the annoying doctor's visits to fulfill all my requirements for nursing school. Rather it is loneliness.

Mother Theresa once said that, "loneliness is the greatest poverty." That is saying something who devoted her entire life to living among the poorest people on planet earth. Even she recognized that that which bankrupts your spirit is far more painful than that that bankrupts your wealth. Humans were made for relationship, it's built into our DNA...it goes all the way back to Eden. God did not make us to live alone, in a box, or continually center-stage without other players in the production of life. This feeling pervades more now than I can remember at any other stage in my life. Maybe it is because so many friends are getting married and starting their own lives, or perhaps because I am back in a vulnerable place living at home, maybe it's just a lack of sleep or lack of carbohydrates in my diet. Regardless of what it is, it is hard to get away from the burning longing for companionship, to have someone to share life with, to talk to, to laugh with.

Henry Rollins said, "Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better." I don't know if I necessarily agree with him because right now the night air isn't smelling any too sweet, but I do believe that the feeling of loneliness reminds us of our mortality, of our need for people and makes us pause before we neglect the people and relationships we have been blessed with in life. What is so remarkable about my feelings of loneliness is the volume of people in my life who care about me. I can be in a room full of 300 people who genuinely care about and love me, but still feel absolutely, intrinsically alone. As if the type of companion I am looking for cannot be found in an ordinary group of people. Am I looking for someone who shares the same soul-feelings I do? Or is it something spiritual? Is it mystic in its origins? I think it might be a combination of all three.

I have a bicycle. Anyone who lives nearby probably has heard me singing the songs of "Glee" riding down the road on my white and teal Schwinn with a white basket on a summer evening. Very few days go by in the summer that I do not spend time riding my bicycle. I guess you could say it is one of the few places I can escape these haunting feelings of loneliness. Where I live is at the base of a hill. In order for me to bike anywhere, I have to start by riding up a fairly steep hill for several blocks. Once I get past the hill, there are several more housing editions built on the extension of this hill that make up my bike route. There have been so many times I have taken out on my bike-ride and wanted to turn around and go home. Days when I am tired, or am focusing on the cares of life rather than enjoying the nature around me, the music in my ears, and the lack of real-life on my bicycle. Riding uphill is not fun, it hurts my knees, it strains my thighs, it makes my lungs burn for air...it's hard, and if all biking were uphill I probably would just put the Schwinn in storage I hate to say.

Sometimes I feel like my entire life is uphill. Friends disappoint you, relationships don't work out, the stresses of work and school seem to overwhelm you, you spend more time with your parents now than you did when you were ten it seems. (not saying that's a bad thing, love you mom and dad!) But you feel alone. Like there is no one else in the world that understands what it is like to be singing a solo aria for 25 years on end, to be riding a bike up a steep hill with no relief in site. Let me tell you about the rest of my bike ride...

After I finish my lap through the city park and the two housing editions on the hill a few times, I start to get excited. For a mile and a half, from my mom's parents house to my dad's parents house, I don't ride my bike. I glide, barely ever peddling down the hills I have just climbed. The light breeze on a hot summer day whipps my hair out of my face, and to compare that feeling, I might as well be flying. There is little I could compare this feeling to. I ride probably thirty minutes for the euphoria of the five where I get to ride downhill, but that's enough. I get through with my ride ready to workout again, not because I've burned calories, but because of how it makes me feel. To accomplish something, to trade something hard for something exhilarating.

Here's the thing. Just like riding my bike. Life isn't going to be downhill the whole way. Sure, we might wish it was, but that just isn't how life works. Right now I have to admit, I feel like I've been going solo, riding uphill for a long time, with little relief in sight. I get tired, worn out, sometimes wonder why I even try working as hard as I do without stopping. I miss my friends who are married, I wish I were in love...but once I get off my soap box long enough to think I could realize what Paul Tillich once said so beautifully, "Language...has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone."

How long has it been since I truly rejoiced in my current place in life? That I am without attachment and could devote myself fully to being the best at what I do and who I am to be? To truly make a difference for the Kingdom of God as a single 20-something year old girl? To not worry about taking care of those to whom I am attached, but to dedicate my life to celebrating the downhill ride that will come if I wait out this time of testing, of loneliness?

So here I am, 1:10 am, I need to be asleep. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow, a lot of peddling uphill. So I will leave it at that. There isn't necessarily a happy resolution to my words tonight because I need to practice what I preach. I need to rejoice in solitude...but it is so hard. I will, however tell you one thing:

Hindsight is always 20/20. And I wouldn't enjoy riding downhill nearly as much if my muscles weren't aching from the strain they went through to get me to the top of that hill. Those trough periods make us who we are. To skip over them would be grave...as hard as it is for me to say this.

Thats all.

tony.

If you have known me for any period of time, you are aware of the object of my dearest affection. The thing I would walk over hot coals to hold. The thing which has motivated me to often press beyond adversity to pursue...often at the expense of other's opinions of me. Tony. That beautiful, wonderful thing that would make my life complete...if only.

In case you are completely out of the loop of my social networking, no, I'm not talking about a boy named Anthony, but rather the most coveted prize in all of musical theatre. The Tony Award. The Tony's are my world cup, my super bowl, my Miss America. Once a year my small-town girl TV glitters with all that is Broadway, from Kristin Chenoweth giving a passionate kiss to Sean Hayes, to Matthew Morrison's triple-threat performance. What can I say, I love the Tony's. I justify staying home from church the Sunday night they come on, vegg out in front of my television, and am transported to a different world for three hours. A world where I can break into song in a classroom without reprimand, or fall in love with Matthew Morrison eight times a week. ;) Theatre, music...these simply components make up so much of my life, take so much of my time, bring so much happiness.

So tonight I want to write to you, my dear friends about something very dear to my heart, the idea of creativity. Many times I feel we divorce our creative natures for means of being practical. What's more, we do not seek ways to incorporate that which is birthing inside us into our lives, our character, and ultimately our Christian walk.

When I was a little girl, my greatest dream was to be on stage (still is to a great extent), I craved to come to live when the spotlight hit my cue. I never felt more alive than when I was on a stage, performing. As most of you know medical reasons and fate kept me from ever pursuing my dream of being a Broadway Diva, but circumstance does not determine the death of my gift, my art, my creative passion.

Perhaps the reason I love watching the Tony's so much is to see, if even for only a few hours, a group of people devoted to what they love. Dedicated to a craft, singular in focus. How many times do we give up the thing our heart beats for for mediocrity? In my opinion the thing which makes your heart beat fast, and keeps you awake at night because it is tugging at your heart is the first step any Christian also must take in finding the calling of God on their lives.

I know so many artists who struggle to find their place in the world, a way to express themselves, because they cannot support themselves by their art. So often we turn our back upon the thing we love the most because we know it will not make us a fruitful living. We have heard enough people say we "aren't good enough," that we start to believe them and, instead, settle for a life of mediocrity without ever fully being engaged in whatever work we are doing.

I have often written of how God has a specific calling, an ultimately creative dream of every one of His children. It is our choice whether we accept it or not. I know the dream God had for my life started somewhere and is ending up somewhere I never would have expected. A place far greater than the Tony awards (although if I ever do have children I am 150% certain they will be thanking me in an acceptance speech at the Tonys), a place where only I can go, a place of supreme creativity, flowing with the power of God, my calling.

I am reminded of Ezekiel in the last chapter of his prophecy, looking beyond all the struggles, trials, heartaches, and bitter tears which must be endured by God's elect. He looked beyond satan's fury to the church's final triumph and conquest. In this chapter Ezekiel describes the fullness of the New Jerusalem, saying:

The circumference of the city shall be 18,000 cubits. 

And the name of that city shall be from that time on,

THE LORD IS THERE.

The literal translation of "Jehovah Shammah" is just that, THE LORD IS THERE. Even when Ezekiel knew he would never see the New Jerusalem in his lifetime, the Lord was there. The Lord was there as Ezekiel creatively wrote the circumference of the city to be a perfect, exact, and exceedingly large. Larger than the troubles of Israel or the size of her enemies. He spoke peace to the children of Israel and he speaks peace to us tonight that, even if your dream seems crazy, it is there for a reason. No, it might not come in your lifetime, you may never see the fruit, but you can contribute a very important narrative to this story that began with Adam and will end in the New Jerusalem. What is important is to know this, THE LORD IS THERE. Wherever your destination is, he is already there. Wherever you are tonight, He is there.  

Creativity is not something we lose when we chose the life of a disciple, but rather something to be embraced. Who knew the emotion of the human existence greater than Christ Himself who felt everything a human feels, yet without sin? We are ultimately creative because we were created by the Ultimate Creator. I urge you to release the creativity God has given you, and use it for His glory. Find the place that makes you most alive, and begin to view that place as an altar of worship to the Divine Creator

What is that place? Where do you feel the most alive? Where do you wake up with ideas to accompany your pursuit of your dream? A very wise professor once told me, "Your calling is where your greatest desires and the world's greatest needs intersect." For some it might be to preach, or teach, or be a plumber. But for many it comes with musical scores, films, photographs, writing, painting, art, and the performing arts. The thing most important is that you view it as what it is, a calling. Something Heaven has blessed you to excel in, to express with, and something that gives you a voice and megaphone to proclaim the glory of the Creator. Oliver Wendall Holmes once said, "Every calling is great when it is greatly pursued."

I write this blog as a performing artist who understands that my ability to even sing, to practice my art is a miracle of God. There are always obstacles on the way to fulfilling your calling, but every calling is worth the risk, be it the risk of failure, or the risk of other's opinions. You are never more yourself, never more alive than when you are functioning in the fullness of a God-centered calling. Doing what you love as an act of worship.

I was particularly moved by Viola Davis's acceptance speech for best actress in a play tonight and I will leave you with this:

I do not believe in luck or happenstance. 

I absolutely believe in the presence of God in my life

I was born into a circumstance where I couldn't see it with my eyes,

I couldn't touch it with my hands, so I had to believe it in my heart.

Hidden deep within your heart is something you can't see, can't touch, but yet is so real it was written on your heart the day you were born. It is your place. It is your calling. And it will never reach it's full potential without the presence of God. 

God made you who you are for a reason, with all your quirks and insecurities, He still views you as the apple of His eye. If God can use this eclectic, loud-mouthed, show-tune singing preacher's daughter from Western Oklahoma to speak to nations, I have no doubt he has even greater things in store for you. And no, it may not always look like what you thought it would (a Tony award), but in the end I know you will rest saying, "God's ways truly were higher than my own.

Let us live our lives with creativity, purpose, ever thanking God to be artists, ultimately creative because we were created by the Ultimate Creator. Let us greatly pursue our callings to make our callings great, and who knows, maybe someone reading my blog one day will win a Tony award???

p.s. if it is you, I get to be your plus one.

hope.

I am the queen of big dreams. Large, unrealistic, impossible things that I want to see happen. Albeit, the vast majority of these dreams are short lived. I once wanted to be a concert pianist until I delved into a Rachmaninoff piece. I was certain for years that I would marry Prince William, simply to have my dreams violently crushed by Kate Middleton. Needless to say, many of the ideas I have pop into my head are short lived, and with good reason. They have little bearing to reality. They are fun for a moment, but they are not soul feelings, not spirit desires.

I think again to the things I desire most. Many of them are as unrealistic, as outlandish to the outside world as my nuptials to Prince William. Why is it, then, that I continue to hold onto the belief that they will one day happen? From my desire to see teenage girls free from the bonds of eating disorders and destructive self-image mindsets, to my quest to find love against all odds, why are there some, seemingly impossible desires that I cannot drive away? Some things I have others try to talk me out of on a daily basis. Sometimes I think they are right. I mean I do have a minor in philosophy and most logicians would agree that I am far from thinking in the realms of reality on these issues. Still...there is a nagging ache within my heart that tells me to believe despite all my better judgement, beyond all the voices screaming from the outside... because there is a place where logic and intellect fail, and hope takes over. Hope takes over because some things are so beautiful, so big, so transcendental that they offer a place for a modern-day miracle, something that defies the laws of location, place, time...and our better judgement.

William Sloan Coffin once said, "Hope arouses, as nothing else can arouse, a passion for the possible." A burning desire to believe in something greater than your capacity, greater often than what we believe our calling is. Something so great, so mighty. A feeling so rare and inexplicable that we have no choice but to call it divine. As if Heaven has made an allowance to let us feel part of it's splendor. Simply to think about the possibility of this hope brings life to us. Nourishes us. Pushes us through seemingly impossible odds, walls, circumstances, and critics, just to get a chance to try.

Do  you know this feeling? I believe at some point we all do. The weight of a God-given calling. The intensity of a love that seems so impossible, yet so immediate. The inner knowing that you must give of yourself, even at the risk of being hurt. Although we are daily called to new, to greater things...there are those moments, those desires that define who we are and who we will become. Sadly, most give up on hope because hope doesn't pay up on their timeframe. Maybe the person they had banked on being happy with leaves. Perhaps their dream encounters setback after setback. Maybe we just get tired. Sometimes it is easier to hope for something we can actually see, or something that makes more sense. 

The prophet Isaiah speaks these words, 

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (55:8-9)

Everything truly great that has ever been done for the Kingdom of God, for the cause of love, for the betterment of humanity, or for the satisfaction of a soul has met great adversity. No one has a golden ticket to their destiny. Vincent McNabb put it this way, "Hope is some extraordinary spiritual grace that God gives us to control our fears, not to oust them." 

Whether that deep desire within you is to see a dream come to life, to see revival break out in your city, to see a family member accept grace, or to see love conquer all, I assure you it will never come without a great price. I remember very well one great roadblock I reached on the road to one of urgent cries of my heart. There is nothing more discouraging when you feel you have been called to "speak to nations," than having your voice taken away with no real hope of it coming back. I remember sitting alone in my dorm room as a 19 year old on a Sunday. I remember not being able to bring myself to drive to church. Worship, my refuge, had become something agonizing for me to experience. I went from being a worship leader to someone who could not even sing through a worship service without extreme pain. How could the thing I hoped for, the thing that I woke up thinking about and went to sleep dreaming about be to use my voice? I couldn't even sing in a congregation, much less speak to nations. I was at a dead end. I felt like hope had evaporated from my life. God had gotten it wrong to trust me with a dream that could never come to fruition...

But slowly I came to realize...

God, love, faith, and hope do not work on our time table.

For love to be pure, it must go through fire. For a dream to be appreciated, it must be tried. 

So often I find myself going back to Matthew 7:7, " Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be open to you." The problem is that, "and it will," generally takes longer than we would like. I had to reach a place where my character could sustain my calling. Where integrity could be married with my gift. My voice was created through hours of pleading with God to give me hope when it seemed the furthest thing from my psyche. You know the feeling. Desperate. Alone, even in a room crowded with people. 

I have begun to see today the fruits of something that begun as a dream in the heart of a bright eyed girl who got her world shaken. The opportunities I have been given to use my voice overseas have almost exclusively come out of the story of those two years where I battled with God over forsaking me. Although this is only the beginning of one dream planted in my heart, I remember it daily as hope that some feelings are too great to be ignored or discarded because things get difficult.

There are so many things that we do not understand. So many things that we cannot comprehend. I do not want to arrive at my 30th birthday, however, and know that I was responsible for dictating a decision that cost me the beauty of destiny. I do not want to be responsible for losing hope because it was easier to not risk loss. In some ways I think I would rather lose than never try. To lose is to feel a deep, pervading emotion, to realize the limits of our humanity, and to be forced to trust something far greater than circumstances, people, and time. 

Victor Hugo said, "Hope is the word which God has written on the brow of every man." Hope is our gift, not some mean attempt and keeping us miserable by a Heavenly Puppetmaster. To hold something in front of us that we can never have. Hope is the thing which keeps us going when everything else in life tells us to throw in the towel, it is the thing that makes millionaires billionaires after they lose their fortunes, often more than once. It is the thing that inspires legends and births great movements of history. 

Romans chapter five tells the full story: 

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, 

knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character,

and character produces hope, 

and hope does not disappoint us.

We want to see the hope first, before we are tried, before we have to stretch ourselves through endurance and give up personal comforts and things otherwise "permissible" to produce character. Hope is the product of discipleship, the product of relationship, and the driving force to every important thing in my life today. 

I am not telling you you must hope. I know it is often easier to take another road. But I do challenge you to arouse the passion for the possible. To quit counting the millions of reasons something cannot happen and remember the one reason which trumps every reason man doubts. The blood of Jesus Christ covers every stain of sin. The power of God which raised men from the dead and brought the life of the Savior through a simple virgin girl is awakened in the souls of those who hope above all odds. Love does conquer all and, as the Virgin Mary proclaimed, "For nothing shall be impossible with God."

I choose hope not because it is easy, but because without it my life would be void of purpose. Believe beyond and beside yourself. 

Here's hoping.

Choice

We make choices each and every day. Will I wake up early and exercise? Will I be distracted or focused? Even a trip to Starbucks offers us the opportunity to make multiple choices at one time: tall, grande? caff, decaf? mocha or latte? whole or skim? Ordering a drink is a mental workout before eight a.m. Many of our choices have no bearing on the future of our lives, but sometimes we must make the big, the hard decisions. 

The choice we are faced with could be the difference in a life of heartache or a life of happiness. From the choices we make in the people we date, to the vocation we pursue, to the place we worship, to the individuals we surround ourselves with. What's more, everyday we make small decisions that will have bearing on the larger, the hard decisions in life. Who you surround yourself with often influences the people you date, and the person you make a marriage commitment comes out of that pool of people. I know so many girls that dated guys "for fun," never expecting to get involved, committed (and god forbid, pregnant), to men who did not stretch them to their full potential. Whoever said, "You can't help who you fall in love with," really needs to be slapped on the face. I say this only because I am the world's worst at following my emotions over my better judgement. I love the feeling of being in love, I love the magic of infatuation. This, coupled by the thought that someone else could hold the same infatuation for you? How could anything be more "right?" Yes, love is a beautiful thing in its time, with the right person, but still...someone slap me across the face. You are the only person that can control the decisions you make. Yes, emotions, feelings, hormones...those things do influence your "feelings," but it is your mind that decides whether the benefits outweigh the risks. We choose love. And often against all our greater judgement. 

I think about this with bright friends and their motivation in school or work. So many times we neglect things which seem "insignificant" to where we eventually want to end-up because we do not see how our current job could determine how successful we will be at our dream. I have a friend. One of the brightest young men I have ever met. He was on a full-ride scholarship to the college I attended and at the head of his class. He was accepted early into medical school and looked forward to spending his last semester of college in a foreign country...no cost to him, his brainy scholarship was going to cover it. I had a class with him the semester before. A boring, blow-off, general education class that everyone had to take. He rarely came to class, and when he did...he'd doodle or pass me silly notes. I still don't know how he passed the tests. I came back after Christmas and was shocked to see my friend in the student union. Shouldn't he be off seeing the world, careless to the stresses of life? All his classmates were nervous they would not get an interview to medical school and here he was, already accepted? Come to find out, my friend had worked hard, taken all his required classes in his first three years of school, saved an entire year to breeze through. Sadly, he did not see how the last fifteen hours of gen eds were going to matter, so he blew them off. He dropped his GPA, he lost his scholarship. He was now forced to stay and retake classes that were far beneath his intellect, lose his romantic trip...all because he didn't see how these "tiny" choices would matter once he was a doctor. 

The decisions, the choices made today could change our lives.

I just logged onto my school site to see that the nursing department has already enrolled me in the Desire to Learn classes I will be taking in the fall. It's not even June and already they are preparing me for the next two years which will greatly change the way the rest of my life plays out. I logged onto the site because summer school starts Wednesday. I'm not excited. I'm taking Algebra. I negotiated my way out of Algebra in my first degree...literally. It's the type of class I'd like to blow off...but once again, I am given a choice.

I've made quite a few bad choices in my life. Things I wish I could take back or relive. I've heard many people say they do not have any regrets about their lives, but it's always hard for me to swallow. Yes, I would like to live a life of no regrets, but to look back and see how such small decisions have affected my life...I'd love to go back with the wisdom I have today and relive those moments. 

Starting this next chapter in my life, going to nursing school is a choice. It's a choice that honestly has come because I've made bad choices in the past. In my wildest dreams I never would have seen myself going to nursing school, but here I am. So many things have made me question this choice...but I know it is the right choice for me, right now. It's not the easiest. It's not where my heart or emotions are telling me to go. But I know it is the right place for me, right now. 

See, there comes a time when those of us who have faith place our choices in the hands of God. Looking back, the times I wish I could take a decision back were always times where I was reacting out of what "Bre" wanted. I ignored the voice of God, of counselors, of my conscience because my emotions or comfort were speaking so loudly...or I didn't like what God was saying. Today I cannot tell you I'm thrilled about what He's saying. It will cost me. It will change me. It opens doors of uncertainty. It places the life I want to live on hold...

But I cannot be the person and live the life I want to be and have unless I go through the process. There's not a fast-forward button on the plan for our lives as much as we wish there was. Other people often bow out at this point because it makes them uncomfortable. Their relationships will fall apart, they will lose friends or significant others. It is at this point when true champions are born...red pill, blue pill? Truth or oblivion? The possibility of a better life, or the comfort of life as we know it? 

Isaiah 30:21 reads, "And Thine ears shall hear a word behind thee saying, 'This is the way, walk ye in it, when you turn to the right hand or to the left."

God is always speaking to us. We always know the right answer. Many times it is the hard answer. But nonetheless, it is always there. God is always speaking. The question is whether the noise of the outside world is greater than the voice of God. Consider Mary. The Angel of the Lord appears to her on an ordinary day, in an ordinary time and tells her the most miraculous, outlandish news anyone could ever hear, "She (a virgin) will bear the promise of the Messiah." I think most of us, myself included, would not recognize the angel of the Lord, or Christ Himself if he walked into a room...we are too busy with what "we are doing." Hearing the voice of God, living in the perfect will for your life is a choice that must be made daily. And often times, hourly.

The trouble here lies in finding what is best, rather than what is simply acceptable. Yes, there are multiple roads I could choose for my life right now that would all be fine. I could still have a good life, make good money, and serve God's calling for my life through them...but they might not be best. God's plan for our lives is so much bigger than we give Him credit for. He wants to see us at our very best...which is something we ourselves cannot fathom. Peter F. Drucker says, "Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable." 

I cannot tell you the times I have placed God on hold. "God, this plan sounds great, but I really want to take the summer off. I really want to date this guy who I know is not Your plan. I really want to do my own thing for a while." I come out of these times of serving myself, often feeling unworthy of the Master Plan for my life. I make another bad choice by choosing something mediocre and acceptable, rather than going back to the Master Plan. 

I mean, God will say, "I told you so." 

I screwed that up...again.

I don't deserve my calling anymore. That calling should go to someone more qualified. Someone who has lived a life worthy of it...

But this is where I am continually amazed. If you have followed my blogs or listened to me preach for any length of time you have heard me give this illustration. I heard it given by a comedian at a church I was attending and it rocked the way I viewed my life and my past choices: God's will, and calling for our lives is a lot like a GPS system. If you are trying to get somewhere with a GPS and it says turn left, and you go right, it does not give you a new destination. The GPS reroutes you back to your original point of arrival. Yes, the more wrong turns we get, the longer it will take to reach our destiny. (In the case of the Children of Israel it took forty years! YIKES!) But still...they were destined for the Promised Land, and we are destined for the plan mapped out for us before we were born. Remember Jeremiah 1:5, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. I set you apart..." 

But still...our destiny rises and falls on the choices we make today. I have made the choice to trust God on the next leg of my journey, to try my best not to get off course because that end destination is so beautiful. I still do not understand how I will ever reach it, how I could ever be worthy of my calling, but I owe it to myself to try. 

We cannot sit around and wait for a wave of chance to sweep us away. Every choice you make (regardless of how insignificant) has an end result. It is choice--not chance--that determines your destiny.

Might we make choices today that will make the big choices easier. Might we chose a route that will take us to our destination without a million detours. You can start again. You can still end up where you are called to be. No one is too removed from God's plan to come back. 

My father often tells the story of when I was born. I was my parent's first child and my father would often talk to my mother's stomach during her pregnancy. After delivery I was very upset to be out in the cold world. I wanted the earth to know I had arrived so I screamed believing they all could hear. My father looked at the doctor and said, "I want to try something." He approached the table where I was being examined and cleaned off and spoke these simple words, "Baby, this is your Daddy Speaking." Immediately I stopped crying, opening my eyes in wonder for the first time. The voice of our father brings peace. The voice of our Heavenly Father assures us that no matter how cold and hard our world seems, there is peace in knowing we are following our Father, that He is with us on this journey, regardless of how hard, and with Him we cannot fail.  

Might we be so consumed with the voice and plan of the Master GPS that we know the voice of the Divine like a baby knows the voice of her daddy.

In the end the choice is yours...choose wisely. 

Content

When You are content to be simply yourself and

don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you.--Lao Tzu

Lately I have been thinking about what it means to be content. What it means to be comfortable, and happy in a situation that you may, or may not, revel being placed in. I doubt I have a single friend or acquaintance who would argue their life has turned out exactly as they have planned or hoped. I know for certain mine has not...nevertheless, the question to answered is whether or not I can live fully in a situation, circumstance, or place that I might not have chosen for myself.

If you were to ask me where I pictured myself in 10 years on my fifteenth birthday, I can promise you the last thing I would say is, "Living at home, working on my second degree, in a bit of a state of limbo, greatly reliant on parental support." I had a lot of dreams, aspirations, and plans. (I actually think I was supposed to be a FOX News Analyst at this point..perhaps we should be glad all dreams don't come true.) I wanted to get as far away from small-town Oklahoma as possible. I wanted to see the world, pave my own way, fall in love, get married, and have a beautiful life. It might have seemed to the outside world that I had everything figured out...then life happens.

We learn the pain of making wrong decisions. We see that people don't always have our best intentions in mind. We learn that love hurts more than it soothes most of the time. We learn the feelings of loss, rejection, pain, and hurt in a more real way than we ever thought possible. We become disappointed with others, God, and ourselves. We become skeptics. And often times...we give up hope.

I remember well how disillusioned I was upon college graduation. Everything I thought I knew so well, all the things that seemed so concrete and certain were now falling all around me. I looked for a way of escape, not a way of facing my fears in the midst of a quarter-life crisis of belief. Two years later, however, I cannot help but marvel at the faithfulness of God, even when I didn't want anything to do with His plan for my life.

We think we are so smart, that we can identify the person we need to be, the things we need to have, and the people we need in our lives on our own, without listening to anyone else, and avoiding all counsel. Two years ago I spent most of my time obsessing over the opinions of individuals who would become toxic to my life, rather than uplifting, exhausting myself for the approval of man, all the while hating myself and the place I was in. I wanted more than I had, and wished for a different life than that I was blessed with.

What brings this to my attention is the premiere of the Sex and the City II movie. My sister and I laughed today, remembering the premiere of the first movie. Thinking back on the night I went to see it, at the same theatre, two years ago, I surrounded myself with individuals who couldn't care less where I would be in two years. Although I had a lot of fun in the moment, I remember waking up day after day feeling alone, abandoned, as though I had no one to support any dream I might have or aid me in a time of need.

Though there is a lot that can be said about making positive choices in friends and those whose counsel you listen to, I cannot help but think the greatest difference between Bre "then" and Bre "now" has occurred, not in the individuals surrounding me, but within myself.

Doris Mortman once said, "Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have." Over the past two years, I have begun to see that reconciling the relationship I have with myself has been more important than surrounding myself with a false blanket of security. I have dated different guys, could be married right now if I wanted, but it terrifies me to think of the life I would have had because I was so far removed from the person I needed to be. So consumed with other's opinions I was living reactively to every situation.

So here I am, two years later. Living at home. Going to school. In Western Oklahoma for at least two more years until I graduate. Consumed with school. Still Single.

But...daily working to choose contentment.

Proverbs 14:30 reads, "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." If we sit obsessing over how different our lives would be if we had this, or lived there, or had him, we will literally rot our lives away. Living with the coulda, woulda, shoulda of life is agonizing and makes happiness impossible. Sure, I'd love to fast-forward my life. There have been times I've thought that escaping my place, getting an ordinary job, and following my heart might be the best option, nevertheless life installs certain "check-points" that make you realize there is so much more to life than the "right now" and that, despite your anxiousness, you are exactly where you need to be.

I thought about this last night driving home from OKC. With me were three of the most beautiful, smart women I have ever met. People I am honored to call my friends. Were they my friends two years ago? No. Would my life be different if I had never met them. Yes. The fact is, I highly doubt these beautiful, quality, smart girls would have been my friends had I met them two years ago. I was so consumed with things that didn't matter, pleasing people who didn't matter, and never finding peace with who I am. I am so lucky that God's grace brought me back home, at this point, to create the life I was always meant to live with these relationships that make me a better person.

I have the greatest best friend in the world now. I get the honor of going to nursing school with her over the next two years. What is funny is I met her two years ago, when I was a drastically different person, with incredibly skewed priorities. How would my life have changed if I would have been content with where I was going then? I am making the commitment now, to not make the same mistakes.

What I am trying to say is this: don't judge your life by current circumstances. Don't judge love by your last relationship. Don't build walls to keep yourself safe. Choose to live the life you are given today, and when God or circumstances say, "Wait," reply, "Gladly." I wish I would have waited. I wish I would have trusted. Even today I wrestled over how I wished a certain part of my life were different. That I could follow my heart somewhere beautiful and not worry about responsibility. It doesn't end because we grow up or go through something. Daily we must make the choice to be happy with where we are, who we are with, and what we have.

I cannot wait for two years from today. I know I will look back so proud of the degree I will have, the new car I might have, and encouraged by the beautiful people that have stood by me through these next two years. You cannot react and focus your life over what other people might do or say. I could easily make choices that make others happy, but in the end would not be in my best interest or in the interest of the future in store for me.

Seeing how much I have grown, simply because I got to the end of me, and welcomed the presence of God to bring peace into my heart and place in the world gives me hope for the next years of my life. I won't win every boy's heart. I won't always make the best grades. But if I relinquish control of my life, my circumstances, and other's opinions of me and fully live in the moment I have been granted, I know I will not be disappointed. I will not be ashamed of who I am today and the person I am becoming.

Hebrews 3:5 reads, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have. God has said, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." So many opportunities in my life were given up because I was worried about what someone else would think. Countless opportunities to help others or better myself were passed up or not even seen because I was worried a certain boy wouldn't like me. What's sad is, boys, friends, even mentors come and go, but at a the end of the day, you are stuck with yourself. So strive to be a person that you can be proud to know.

Am I still looking for love? Of course. Do I want many of the same things I did ten years ago? You bet. But today I am thankful that my life sometimes puts speed bumps on the way to my destiny so that I end up somewhere I can be proud of. Today I am more determined than ever to be a good example, to be a living testiment of how beautiful a life can be when you relinquish control and are thankful for what you have now.

Jim Elliott once said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation which you feel to be the will of the Lord." Today, Western Oklahoma. Tomorrow, who knows. I am not where I want to end up, but I cannot wait to see where I am going.

And those people who might bail because where I am stretches them, and makes them uncomfortable today? Well, I'd dare say they look back in two years with a great deal of regret. God's ways are higher than our own. So to everyone with me on this journey, hang on, it's going to be a wild, but beautiful ride.