If there were a common theme to the blogs that I write, I would have to say that theme is the concepts of grace and mercy. Perhaps these are themes in my writing because they have been so incredibly vital in my life, but regardless of what I go to the Word of God for, I never read a passage without an incredible, daunting reflection and consideration of the grace and mercy of God.
Tonight I was preparing for my small group class I teach on Sunday Nights and came upon one of the most familiar passages of scripture, the story of the woman with the alabaster box. Everyone knows the story in Luke chapter 7, how a "sinful" woman enters the home of a Pharisee where Christ is, pours on him perfume that was worth a year's wages, and proceeds to thank Christ for the forgiveness she so desperately needs before he has spoken the words of forgiveness.
So often we go to the Lord asking Him to "speak" to us, or to forgive us...then we proceed on with our laundry list of "I wants," "I needs." We never give God the opportunity to speak back, much less ourselves the chance to thank Him for the incredible gift of mercy we take for granted we will receive from Him just upon asking. We are literally asking the God of the universe to speak to us. How would you really react if that happened? If we gave God the time, created the space in our self-consumed lives to let Him actually show up? What if we really meant what we prayed??
Chances are we wouldn't keep living our self-consumed lives filled with sin and selfish ambition. We'd quit telling white lies and always preferring ourselves. We'd give up our secret-sins, we'd change the way we talk. We might even give loving our enemies a shot...all because we had had one single encounter with the divine Word of God...(I'll quit talking about that now to not ruin my message for my Sunday night students, but stay tuned for a Sunday night submission on this subject...life-changing)
Back to Luke, the Pharisees don't react well. They think it is an abomination and a waste of money so Christ turns to Peter and asks him a question in a parable. In 2011 terms it goes like this, "If there was a moneylender who had two debtors, one owed him the equivalent of 20 months wages and the other owed him 2 months wages and the moneylender forgave their debts, which would love him more?" The answer seemed so obvious...the one who had been forgiven more.
Mercy is the overarching theme of my life. I mean, I really want the nerve to get the word tattooed on my wrist it is so important. Daily I am reminded that like that woman, I have been forgiven infinitely more than I deserve...but what is the usual response? We feel puffed up. We feel superior to our friends who are "sinning worse". We make allowances for our lives in secret. These things ought not be... God extends His grace for one reason, so we would love Christ more. When I read this woman's story I am humbled and challenged afresh by the power of grace to change my life. A life not bent on satisfying the sinful nature, but on loving Christ more. On showing and extending the grace of God in such a tangible way to the people I encounter that they say, "I want your God."
Philip Yancey always challenges me with his statement, "There is nothing I can do to make God love me more, there is nothing I can do to make God love me less." The ball is in our court. In exchange for this great gift of unmerited mercy and extravagant grace...I must love Him more.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
phoenix.
Let's face it, I have made a lot of really bad decisions when it comes to relationships in my life. I have dated some complete losers, low-life's, and befriended some very shady people. Through some of my "learning years" let's call them, I ran the gambit of figuring things out the hard way when it comes to relationships. I think this has made me cherish the true relationships in my life that much more.
George Washington said, "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence." The Prez definately wasn't lying when he uttered those words. Working now with young adults, one of the concerns/complaints I hear more than anything else is, "I just feel so alone, I wish I had more friends." Living in rural Oklahoma, I used to echo these cries. I used to feel I needed people around, talking to me, texting me, or social networking me to somehow validate my life and not feel alone. Especially as a single late-twenty-something, it is easy to feel isolated.
But Washington's words come back to mind. I came to a point last year where I was extending myself and my time to so many people I was getting no sleep and continually stressed out. Some were getting jealous because of how I was dividing my time and I was just exhausted. People will take you for a ride, monopolize all your time, take up all your energy, and in the end spit you out when you don't give them what they want if you are not careful, that is why true, valuable, and close friends are hard to come by and one of life's greatest blessings.
Last week I was reminded of this while I was evaluating National Fine Arts Festival in Phoenix, Arizona. I grew up loving Fine Arts (to the horror of some) and never outgrew my passion for the program. It seemed like everywhere I turned I was greeted with a hug, a scream of excitement, and sometimes tears. I was literally surrounded by like-minded people who actually understood why I am living my life the way I am and who I want to be. I didn't have to put on a show or a facade, for one week I was relieved to "just be" and that be more than enough.
Mind you, I do not see most of these people more than once a year. I have collected this handful of beautiful people over the past decade and a half through some of the most random twists of fate. Some of them I talk to monthly, some only a handful of times a year...nevertheless I know that No matter where in the world they are, they'd be on a plane in a second if I needed them. There is such a value in relationships that edify your spiritual walk and personal life decisions. I encourage you to be cautious in how and why you choose relationships. Often those that seem the most appealing will lead to your demise, where those you wouldn't give a second look end up as your soul-mate.
I left Phoenix not only refreshed by old friends but encouraged by new relationships that are forming in my life. Some that might take me to new places within the ministry and life. I cherish and love every single one of you...
xoxo-B
P.S. To the friends I was not able to connect with, I am so sorry. Unfortunately AT&T didn't like my decision to live in a convention center all week.
George Washington said, "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence." The Prez definately wasn't lying when he uttered those words. Working now with young adults, one of the concerns/complaints I hear more than anything else is, "I just feel so alone, I wish I had more friends." Living in rural Oklahoma, I used to echo these cries. I used to feel I needed people around, talking to me, texting me, or social networking me to somehow validate my life and not feel alone. Especially as a single late-twenty-something, it is easy to feel isolated.
But Washington's words come back to mind. I came to a point last year where I was extending myself and my time to so many people I was getting no sleep and continually stressed out. Some were getting jealous because of how I was dividing my time and I was just exhausted. People will take you for a ride, monopolize all your time, take up all your energy, and in the end spit you out when you don't give them what they want if you are not careful, that is why true, valuable, and close friends are hard to come by and one of life's greatest blessings.
Last week I was reminded of this while I was evaluating National Fine Arts Festival in Phoenix, Arizona. I grew up loving Fine Arts (to the horror of some) and never outgrew my passion for the program. It seemed like everywhere I turned I was greeted with a hug, a scream of excitement, and sometimes tears. I was literally surrounded by like-minded people who actually understood why I am living my life the way I am and who I want to be. I didn't have to put on a show or a facade, for one week I was relieved to "just be" and that be more than enough.
Mind you, I do not see most of these people more than once a year. I have collected this handful of beautiful people over the past decade and a half through some of the most random twists of fate. Some of them I talk to monthly, some only a handful of times a year...nevertheless I know that No matter where in the world they are, they'd be on a plane in a second if I needed them. There is such a value in relationships that edify your spiritual walk and personal life decisions. I encourage you to be cautious in how and why you choose relationships. Often those that seem the most appealing will lead to your demise, where those you wouldn't give a second look end up as your soul-mate.
I left Phoenix not only refreshed by old friends but encouraged by new relationships that are forming in my life. Some that might take me to new places within the ministry and life. I cherish and love every single one of you...
xoxo-B
P.S. To the friends I was not able to connect with, I am so sorry. Unfortunately AT&T didn't like my decision to live in a convention center all week.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
disappointment
A wise man once said that "disappointments are to the soul what thunderstorms are to the atmosphere"....I'm sure his friends said he was just being dramatic, but deep inside everyone knows that feeling. Things don't work out with a guy. You're going through a break-up with the person you just knew was the right person for you. You lose your job. You don't get into grad school. That warm feeling that rises in your throat when you have to tell the people you love that you've once again fallen short of their expectations on your life. Disappointment is one of the most disheartening of emotions, but one that is constant to the entire human race.
I have recently been dealing with a great deal of feeling inadequate in my life. Overwhelmed and underprepared. Giving all I have and it still not being enough. Having hopes sky high plumet back to the grave. Like almost anyone, I have used disappointments most generally as a reason to throw myself a pity party, feel sorry for my plight, and consume too much sugar....Will anything I want or hope for ever work out?
It's times like these I am drawn back to the scriptures. Remember quoting Proverbs 3 in VBS that if we trusted in God, He would give us the desires of OUR heart? What ever happend to that? I'm pretty sure I knew what my heart wanted. What about Romans 8 where it says that "all things work together for the good for those who love god"???
Today I had a reality shock. As I was feeling sorry for myself once again, and drawn to my scriptures of selfish comfort I realized something. The entire idea that God would give us our heart's desires is firmly rooted in the belief that Christ is at the bottom of our joy, our happiness, our everything. If He truly is the thing form which all other emotions spring, then and only then can we trust our heart's desires. Maybe my heart and soul were disconnected without my knowing it because my mind was given to the control of the Master, but I wanted to hold onto my emotions.
Furthermore, Romans 8:28 reads, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." We like to think that "good" means things work out the way we want them to. We get the job, we get the boy, we get the raise. What this verse is actually speaking of, however is the "good" is "conformity to Christ." A better way of reading the verse might be, "And we know that to those who love God, all things work together to shape and mold them into the image of Christ."
Christ let us know from the beginning the price of following Him. It is an invitation to die, it points at the cross. In the midst of my disappointment, I must keep my eyes not on myself and my Ben and Jerry's, but at the cross. At what Christ did so that my ransom could be paid. At how Christ lived as an example to me. To allow my disappointment to "appoint'" me as a bearer of the name of Christ in the midst of my pain.
I rarely have been more inspired or encouraged by an individual than when they go through something earth-shattering and do not lose their faith. And I think all of us in Western Oklahoma, at least, know, the air is never fresher or full of more life and hope than right after a thunder storm.
I have recently been dealing with a great deal of feeling inadequate in my life. Overwhelmed and underprepared. Giving all I have and it still not being enough. Having hopes sky high plumet back to the grave. Like almost anyone, I have used disappointments most generally as a reason to throw myself a pity party, feel sorry for my plight, and consume too much sugar....Will anything I want or hope for ever work out?
It's times like these I am drawn back to the scriptures. Remember quoting Proverbs 3 in VBS that if we trusted in God, He would give us the desires of OUR heart? What ever happend to that? I'm pretty sure I knew what my heart wanted. What about Romans 8 where it says that "all things work together for the good for those who love god"???
Today I had a reality shock. As I was feeling sorry for myself once again, and drawn to my scriptures of selfish comfort I realized something. The entire idea that God would give us our heart's desires is firmly rooted in the belief that Christ is at the bottom of our joy, our happiness, our everything. If He truly is the thing form which all other emotions spring, then and only then can we trust our heart's desires. Maybe my heart and soul were disconnected without my knowing it because my mind was given to the control of the Master, but I wanted to hold onto my emotions.
Furthermore, Romans 8:28 reads, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." We like to think that "good" means things work out the way we want them to. We get the job, we get the boy, we get the raise. What this verse is actually speaking of, however is the "good" is "conformity to Christ." A better way of reading the verse might be, "And we know that to those who love God, all things work together to shape and mold them into the image of Christ."
Christ let us know from the beginning the price of following Him. It is an invitation to die, it points at the cross. In the midst of my disappointment, I must keep my eyes not on myself and my Ben and Jerry's, but at the cross. At what Christ did so that my ransom could be paid. At how Christ lived as an example to me. To allow my disappointment to "appoint'" me as a bearer of the name of Christ in the midst of my pain.
I rarely have been more inspired or encouraged by an individual than when they go through something earth-shattering and do not lose their faith. And I think all of us in Western Oklahoma, at least, know, the air is never fresher or full of more life and hope than right after a thunder storm.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
scars.
Andre Maurois once said, "A man cannot free himself from the past more easily than he can from his own body." Can't say Andre was off target. The past. A chain of memories, victories, heartbreaks, triumph, and shame. I once heard it said that a truly single-minded person's life can be summed up in one word. If my past were any clue, my word is schizophrenic.
What is so amazing about my past (since I cannot speak for anyone else) is how little good I choose to recall or remember. Life is like a continual first-date, rehearsing the answers you have to different questions about where you came from and where you are going. When I meet a new person that I hope to make as friend, immediately future conversations start running through my head. "What will they think when they hear I did this?" "What will they say when they found out I dated them?" "How can I explain that?" It's like a job interview without parking validation or a 401 K. I feel that there is no way one can embrace my past or overlook it on the way to seeing my future. I couldn't help but wonder: Why are we so obsessed with the past?
I'll be the first to say that I have screwed up royally on many fronts of my life. I've said no when I should have said yes and vice versa. I've chosen the wrong friends, path, and ways to spend my money. I've dated boys that left me feeling damaged and insecure. I've hurt my physical body in the name of beauty. Why would anyone want to be my friend...much less, why would God want to use anyone like me??
I have started making goals for my 26th year of life. One of my priorities is to start and finish a book I have felt inspired to write since I was nineteen years old. Although I don't want to give the details away (since I don't even know them), I want to write about identity. The last 26 years of my life have seemed to be a nonstop search for acceptance both from others and ultimately myself. While I have overcome so many obstacles of the past, however, a frightening truth came to me this week: If I really write this book, I have to start living like I believe what it says.
It's amazing how frightening the truth is. I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy, insuffciency, and self-hatred since I was very young. These were the feelings and emotions that drove me to a place of self-destruction and self-gratification. Since then I have buried myself in what the Word of the Lord says about me and to me, counseling others going through similar trials. But how much of all of it am I REALLY buying?? My heart says, not enough. I know the truth, but I won't let it set me free. I've lived so long battling insecurity I don't know what I would be without it. Rather than allowing my past failures, mistakes, and heartbreaks to enhance my testimony, I use them to sink further into my familiar and comfortable bed of hating myself and feeling worthless. "I've messed up too much, God couldn't use me if He wanted." "Sure, at one point in my life there was a divine purpose for my existence, but I messed that up so I am going to settle for serving the Lord in the hole I've dug for myself."
Thoughts race through my mind at least 10 times a minute about how inadequate I am or how overly-qualified someone else is. Comparison is one of the hallmarks of insecurity and that seems to explain a lot. I've lived to compare myself to everyone and everything except what the word of God says about me. But more than that, I have compared myself to my own past, and that past to the perception of what a person should be. I come out looking scarred, used up, and defeated.
Tonight I got to thinking about my father's sermon on Sunday. He preached out of Hosea (props to any minister preaching from the minor prophets), about God making the Valley of Achor (literally "trouble") a "door of hope." The children of Israel, like Gomer, like me...had scars. They had forsaken Yahweh, they had made plans for themselves and the plans had failed. I think we need to be reminded, however, that our past does not determine our future and our present doesn't determine our end.
I felt called of God when I was eight years old to preach. I was steadfast in this plan until I was about 20, then life happened. I was disappointed. I got sick. I was deceived in a very abusive relationship. Finally, I gave up. Too many bad things were being harbored in my past for God to use me in the way He wanted to. But, just like Hosea, the past I bring to the table will be the hope that brings others to Christ and to freedom through me. It is easy to look at your past and judge yourself because we are very good at judging others, but when we do this we take on the idea we know the mind of God.
I am reminded of the verse in Isaiah 55 that talks about how much higher the ways of God are than ours. That maybe God's conception of justice, of mercy, of grace, is much higher, greater, and more advanced than ours could ever be. Maybe, just maybe God's hand was in the middle of my seemingly chaotic life the entire time, and I've never been so in step with His will than now, using my scars to help others who are hurting.
George Bernard Shaw once said, "We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but the responsibility for our future." I have a responsibility to not let my past ruin the plan of God or the lives I am meant to touch with the message of the identity only found through Christ.
It would probably scare us to see the change that could be wrought in our world if we'd chop our scars up to battle wounds, and keep fighting.
What is so amazing about my past (since I cannot speak for anyone else) is how little good I choose to recall or remember. Life is like a continual first-date, rehearsing the answers you have to different questions about where you came from and where you are going. When I meet a new person that I hope to make as friend, immediately future conversations start running through my head. "What will they think when they hear I did this?" "What will they say when they found out I dated them?" "How can I explain that?" It's like a job interview without parking validation or a 401 K. I feel that there is no way one can embrace my past or overlook it on the way to seeing my future. I couldn't help but wonder: Why are we so obsessed with the past?
I'll be the first to say that I have screwed up royally on many fronts of my life. I've said no when I should have said yes and vice versa. I've chosen the wrong friends, path, and ways to spend my money. I've dated boys that left me feeling damaged and insecure. I've hurt my physical body in the name of beauty. Why would anyone want to be my friend...much less, why would God want to use anyone like me??
I have started making goals for my 26th year of life. One of my priorities is to start and finish a book I have felt inspired to write since I was nineteen years old. Although I don't want to give the details away (since I don't even know them), I want to write about identity. The last 26 years of my life have seemed to be a nonstop search for acceptance both from others and ultimately myself. While I have overcome so many obstacles of the past, however, a frightening truth came to me this week: If I really write this book, I have to start living like I believe what it says.
It's amazing how frightening the truth is. I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy, insuffciency, and self-hatred since I was very young. These were the feelings and emotions that drove me to a place of self-destruction and self-gratification. Since then I have buried myself in what the Word of the Lord says about me and to me, counseling others going through similar trials. But how much of all of it am I REALLY buying?? My heart says, not enough. I know the truth, but I won't let it set me free. I've lived so long battling insecurity I don't know what I would be without it. Rather than allowing my past failures, mistakes, and heartbreaks to enhance my testimony, I use them to sink further into my familiar and comfortable bed of hating myself and feeling worthless. "I've messed up too much, God couldn't use me if He wanted." "Sure, at one point in my life there was a divine purpose for my existence, but I messed that up so I am going to settle for serving the Lord in the hole I've dug for myself."
Thoughts race through my mind at least 10 times a minute about how inadequate I am or how overly-qualified someone else is. Comparison is one of the hallmarks of insecurity and that seems to explain a lot. I've lived to compare myself to everyone and everything except what the word of God says about me. But more than that, I have compared myself to my own past, and that past to the perception of what a person should be. I come out looking scarred, used up, and defeated.
Tonight I got to thinking about my father's sermon on Sunday. He preached out of Hosea (props to any minister preaching from the minor prophets), about God making the Valley of Achor (literally "trouble") a "door of hope." The children of Israel, like Gomer, like me...had scars. They had forsaken Yahweh, they had made plans for themselves and the plans had failed. I think we need to be reminded, however, that our past does not determine our future and our present doesn't determine our end.
I felt called of God when I was eight years old to preach. I was steadfast in this plan until I was about 20, then life happened. I was disappointed. I got sick. I was deceived in a very abusive relationship. Finally, I gave up. Too many bad things were being harbored in my past for God to use me in the way He wanted to. But, just like Hosea, the past I bring to the table will be the hope that brings others to Christ and to freedom through me. It is easy to look at your past and judge yourself because we are very good at judging others, but when we do this we take on the idea we know the mind of God.
I am reminded of the verse in Isaiah 55 that talks about how much higher the ways of God are than ours. That maybe God's conception of justice, of mercy, of grace, is much higher, greater, and more advanced than ours could ever be. Maybe, just maybe God's hand was in the middle of my seemingly chaotic life the entire time, and I've never been so in step with His will than now, using my scars to help others who are hurting.
George Bernard Shaw once said, "We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but the responsibility for our future." I have a responsibility to not let my past ruin the plan of God or the lives I am meant to touch with the message of the identity only found through Christ.
It would probably scare us to see the change that could be wrought in our world if we'd chop our scars up to battle wounds, and keep fighting.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
love.
It has been a while since my last blog...I tend to blog in waves. I've said before that one needs a certain emotion to write anything worth reading or singing and maybe I am just finding my way around the cycle of emotions. It's almost summer and there are so many new things knocking at my door. So many opportunities, so many challenges, so many questions. Something that frightens me but seems to be a pattern in life is the more we need God's direction, the less we talk to Him and the more time we spend wallowing in the midst of our finite thoughts.
Maybe I am alone here. Perhaps everyone else who keeps a running dialogue with the Almighty has it straight. Questions arise, life transitions, they spend more time in the prayer closet than when everything is a steady stream. At times even my periods of worship end up with me in silence, not enjoying the presence of God, but the uncertainty of my plight...swimming around in the spinning pool of my thoughts.
but this blog is supposed to be about love.
Here it goes. I'll be 26 in around 25 days. I'll be closer to 30 than 20, I'll be beyond the quarter of a century mark. My single friends have diminished to being able to count on my hands, and the majority of them are at least four years younger than me. My Facebook page has more baby photo updates than anything else, and I rehearse my answer to the question, "So Bre when are YOU getting married?" before every wedding or public event I attend.
All this being said I feel as though my life is filled with more love, passion, and emotion than almost anyone I've ever met. Tonight was the season finale of Glee and I watched Rachel Berry talk with so much passion about how she couldn't date Finn because when she graduated next year she was moving to New York City and never coming back. She was determined to not give up on her dream of starring on Broadway, and despite her love for the boy, her real love was the stage. My mother and I couldn't help but laugh remembering my rational for breaking up with my high school boyfriend while I was in NYC because I had to move there, I had to follow out my dream.
Granted most think of Rachel Berry as an annoying TV character and the girl no one could stand in high school, nevertheless I think there is something very pure, honest, and direct about loving your destiny above all else. Yes, my passionate plans may have changed over the past decade. Where I am going isn't to be a news anchor and stage actress, but the passion, the drive, and the purpose in my life is the same. I'm determined to see my life's purpose accomplished. I'm driven to never give up.
That said, I still believe in love. I am an artist, and driven by strong, sometimes overwhelming emotions. Those who know me best are driven AWAY by these deep feelings. Joy that makes me hug complete strangers without warning, heartache that is so gut-wrenching I can't help but wail, even stress and confusion that makes my body physically ill. Overkill? Maybe. But my capacity to feel deeply I have no doubt will be a catalyst for accomplishing the Work I am on the earth to accomplish. Although I've grown up and harnessed these emotions to a great degree I can't help but wonder if maybe one of the reasons I've remained single all these years is the fear of what love could do to me.
C.S. Lewis, a kindred spirit from a different century once wrote, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless==it will change. It will not be broken; it will be unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
Love, feeling, commitment, by any definition, is terrifying. I recently got a maltese puppy and have to admit have been wrecked by fear on more than one occasion at the thought of losing her. Yes, I am aware that she is merely a dog, but I love this dog more than a lot of husbands love their wives. Maybe it's the actress in me, but I do not believe in having half-felt emotions. If I am going to love, it has to be without abandon and maybe after 26 years that makes the idea of love terrifying. I consider how much I love my puppy who I know is temporary and cannot imagine the type of love I am capable of having for another human being. So perhaps by that token, maybe I am scared.
Two weeks ago an elderly man who was a minister for many years and now is a janitor at our high school filled the pulpit for my father. I have to admit, I was a little irritated he didn't ask me to preach, but the Sunday absolutely changed me. He prayed specifically for me in front of our entire congregation a the close of his message. Albeit, he began the message with the line, "Lord, someday someone will love her." (to chuckles of laughter by all) Then said he wasn't joking.
This man, who knows nothing serious concerning my personal life prayed the most prophetic word I have ever had spoken over me. That the Lord would bring someone into my life that would let me fly, let me be me, let me live out the call of God on my life. Someone who would understand the reason I live my life the way I do...
And after that prayer by an eighty-year old janitor, I believe I don't have to be afraid any more.
God has a big plan. It's bigger than me swimming in my thoughts...and why would I rush Him and cheat myself of experiencing an emotion greater than anything I could ever experience by finding someone on my own??
Maybe I am alone here. Perhaps everyone else who keeps a running dialogue with the Almighty has it straight. Questions arise, life transitions, they spend more time in the prayer closet than when everything is a steady stream. At times even my periods of worship end up with me in silence, not enjoying the presence of God, but the uncertainty of my plight...swimming around in the spinning pool of my thoughts.
but this blog is supposed to be about love.
Here it goes. I'll be 26 in around 25 days. I'll be closer to 30 than 20, I'll be beyond the quarter of a century mark. My single friends have diminished to being able to count on my hands, and the majority of them are at least four years younger than me. My Facebook page has more baby photo updates than anything else, and I rehearse my answer to the question, "So Bre when are YOU getting married?" before every wedding or public event I attend.
All this being said I feel as though my life is filled with more love, passion, and emotion than almost anyone I've ever met. Tonight was the season finale of Glee and I watched Rachel Berry talk with so much passion about how she couldn't date Finn because when she graduated next year she was moving to New York City and never coming back. She was determined to not give up on her dream of starring on Broadway, and despite her love for the boy, her real love was the stage. My mother and I couldn't help but laugh remembering my rational for breaking up with my high school boyfriend while I was in NYC because I had to move there, I had to follow out my dream.
Granted most think of Rachel Berry as an annoying TV character and the girl no one could stand in high school, nevertheless I think there is something very pure, honest, and direct about loving your destiny above all else. Yes, my passionate plans may have changed over the past decade. Where I am going isn't to be a news anchor and stage actress, but the passion, the drive, and the purpose in my life is the same. I'm determined to see my life's purpose accomplished. I'm driven to never give up.
That said, I still believe in love. I am an artist, and driven by strong, sometimes overwhelming emotions. Those who know me best are driven AWAY by these deep feelings. Joy that makes me hug complete strangers without warning, heartache that is so gut-wrenching I can't help but wail, even stress and confusion that makes my body physically ill. Overkill? Maybe. But my capacity to feel deeply I have no doubt will be a catalyst for accomplishing the Work I am on the earth to accomplish. Although I've grown up and harnessed these emotions to a great degree I can't help but wonder if maybe one of the reasons I've remained single all these years is the fear of what love could do to me.
C.S. Lewis, a kindred spirit from a different century once wrote, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless==it will change. It will not be broken; it will be unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
Love, feeling, commitment, by any definition, is terrifying. I recently got a maltese puppy and have to admit have been wrecked by fear on more than one occasion at the thought of losing her. Yes, I am aware that she is merely a dog, but I love this dog more than a lot of husbands love their wives. Maybe it's the actress in me, but I do not believe in having half-felt emotions. If I am going to love, it has to be without abandon and maybe after 26 years that makes the idea of love terrifying. I consider how much I love my puppy who I know is temporary and cannot imagine the type of love I am capable of having for another human being. So perhaps by that token, maybe I am scared.
Two weeks ago an elderly man who was a minister for many years and now is a janitor at our high school filled the pulpit for my father. I have to admit, I was a little irritated he didn't ask me to preach, but the Sunday absolutely changed me. He prayed specifically for me in front of our entire congregation a the close of his message. Albeit, he began the message with the line, "Lord, someday someone will love her." (to chuckles of laughter by all) Then said he wasn't joking.
This man, who knows nothing serious concerning my personal life prayed the most prophetic word I have ever had spoken over me. That the Lord would bring someone into my life that would let me fly, let me be me, let me live out the call of God on my life. Someone who would understand the reason I live my life the way I do...
And after that prayer by an eighty-year old janitor, I believe I don't have to be afraid any more.
God has a big plan. It's bigger than me swimming in my thoughts...and why would I rush Him and cheat myself of experiencing an emotion greater than anything I could ever experience by finding someone on my own??
.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
I give up.
Three days into Lent this year and I'm already craving a diet coke and cupcake. It absolutely amazes me how things i never even think about have such a control on our lives. While i give things up every year,this year is particularly significant for many reasons. I am astonished when i read my Lenten blog from last year at where this year has taken me, and perhaps i need to take time this evening to reflect.
Id like to share a story tonight that, until recently, I didn't like to tell. This story involves the worst day of my life. I can pinpoint easily what i considered to be the worst day of my life as Ash Wednesday 2008. Now I have had days when worst things have happened to me,but this day stands as a moment where i felt absolutely and completely helpless and alone. I had just gotten out of my two-year abusive relationship with Lucifer's cousin, I had changed my major because said person had fears of my being more successful than him, and i had applied to graduate school. I was graduating in two months when i found out that, not only had my relationship not worked out, but i hadn't been accepted to the only school I had applied to. I was overly-qualified, why wouldn't they want me? I remember getting my fathers phone call...he had opened my mail and carried the bad news. I wasn't even upset because I didn't get in, i was mortified because i had nowhere else to go.
I had absolutely nothing going for me at that moment. I'd disappointed a lot of people with the decisions i had made in the previous years and hated myself for making those i loved doubt me. I didn't have a plan, much less purpose. I had abandoned my calling years before convinced that i was not worthy of being used by God because i had screwed up so badly He'd have to be overly desperate to use me. I decided to go ahead and go to the Ash Wednesday service at my Episcopal church for some solace...bad idea. Normally this beautiful church was the most comforting place i could visit to hear from Heaven, but this night i had been suffering from a chest cold and ended up having a fierce coughing attack in front of about 500 people. The noise reverberated off the wooden ceilings and marble floors. Nothing was working out for me that day. I didn't even know why I should wake the next morning...Lord knows I didn't want to.
I tell you this story to prove a point: truth chases us during Lent. Truth was chasing me that day but I didn't see it, i didn't want to accept it. I seems that when we deny ourselves of the things that make our lives more comfortable, we allow god to move us from a place of mediocrity to a place congruent with His purpose for our lives. Looking back now, I know that going to graduate school would have been the biggest waste of my life and money. I would never have been happy and i most definitely would not be living out my life's purpose now. Sadly, i did not get the message in that fateful Ash Wednesday and continued to live in a way that made sense to me...my life would be so much different today if I would have accepted truth when it came knocking at my door.
I say all this to tell you, do not be afraid to let God move you. He always knows what He is doing. What you think is your worst day could easily be the day where God turns your life to face your destiny. I'm getting my masters today in something that matters and has eternal meaning, Im happier than I've ever been, and i am thankful that God chose to speak to me one Ash Wednesday and tell me to turn around,
Id like to share a story tonight that, until recently, I didn't like to tell. This story involves the worst day of my life. I can pinpoint easily what i considered to be the worst day of my life as Ash Wednesday 2008. Now I have had days when worst things have happened to me,but this day stands as a moment where i felt absolutely and completely helpless and alone. I had just gotten out of my two-year abusive relationship with Lucifer's cousin, I had changed my major because said person had fears of my being more successful than him, and i had applied to graduate school. I was graduating in two months when i found out that, not only had my relationship not worked out, but i hadn't been accepted to the only school I had applied to. I was overly-qualified, why wouldn't they want me? I remember getting my fathers phone call...he had opened my mail and carried the bad news. I wasn't even upset because I didn't get in, i was mortified because i had nowhere else to go.
I had absolutely nothing going for me at that moment. I'd disappointed a lot of people with the decisions i had made in the previous years and hated myself for making those i loved doubt me. I didn't have a plan, much less purpose. I had abandoned my calling years before convinced that i was not worthy of being used by God because i had screwed up so badly He'd have to be overly desperate to use me. I decided to go ahead and go to the Ash Wednesday service at my Episcopal church for some solace...bad idea. Normally this beautiful church was the most comforting place i could visit to hear from Heaven, but this night i had been suffering from a chest cold and ended up having a fierce coughing attack in front of about 500 people. The noise reverberated off the wooden ceilings and marble floors. Nothing was working out for me that day. I didn't even know why I should wake the next morning...Lord knows I didn't want to.
I tell you this story to prove a point: truth chases us during Lent. Truth was chasing me that day but I didn't see it, i didn't want to accept it. I seems that when we deny ourselves of the things that make our lives more comfortable, we allow god to move us from a place of mediocrity to a place congruent with His purpose for our lives. Looking back now, I know that going to graduate school would have been the biggest waste of my life and money. I would never have been happy and i most definitely would not be living out my life's purpose now. Sadly, i did not get the message in that fateful Ash Wednesday and continued to live in a way that made sense to me...my life would be so much different today if I would have accepted truth when it came knocking at my door.
I say all this to tell you, do not be afraid to let God move you. He always knows what He is doing. What you think is your worst day could easily be the day where God turns your life to face your destiny. I'm getting my masters today in something that matters and has eternal meaning, Im happier than I've ever been, and i am thankful that God chose to speak to me one Ash Wednesday and tell me to turn around,
Saturday, February 26, 2011
rob bell.
This is a rather difficult blog for me to write. Challenging and daunting to say the least. Today John Piper, a man i greatly respect in the faith sent out a tweet reading "farewell rob bell" along with a link i will include at the end of this blog. The article attached speaks of how bell's next book was influenced by a member of a church saying that "gandhi is in hell". The blog that follows is not concerning Mahatma, but rather the greater question of universalism and the influence Bell's latest book, "love wins" and the ideology it holds will have on my generations earthly and eternal message.
First, id like to start by saying Rob Bell never had a greater advocate than Bre Little. I've been a huge supporter ever since reading "velvet Elvis" for the first time in college. It made so much sense to a questioning college student, even making the Christ id followed my entire life remarkably more accessible. There is actually an entry in my phone titled, "rob bell hater" because I believed this person had unfairly judged bell.I know rob bell's books, teachings, and videos have held that type of influence on many 20-somethings and beyond. I have a friend with no desire to be part of any religion or denomination that loves bell because of the quality of the NOOMA videos. Within my generation it would be difficult to find someone who yields more influence, so it is with great regret I have to disagree with him today.
Universalism is the idea that a loving God would not subject anyone to punishment or harm. This type of thinking generally dismisses the idea of hell completely and, in John Bevere's words, call upon a "big cover up" grace that covers every sin. I think this is a beautiful idea. Having dealt personally with the tragic suicide of a young cousin, it would at times be nice to rest assured I'd never have to as a difficult question about faith ever again because everything was taken care of and everyone got to heaven in the end. It enables individuals to live reckless lives with not consideration if the life to come and the example of holiness Christ set.
Seeing as bell is still considering himself a Christian, lets throw the word of God into the mix and see how dangerous this conclusion is:
1.) universalism voids the need of humanity a savior.
Romans 3;23-"for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god." the new testament goes on to state that there is, "none righteous, no not one." (Romans 3:10) humankind needed a savior, this is the message of the old testament, the history of the Jewish people. God brought the prophets to foretell to the children of Israel that one day the Messiah would come, inhabit flesh, and redeem what was taken in the garden. Later, Christ would come and say that he did not come to abolish the law of the old testament, but to fulfill it, to make it go further so we could rely on the work of the holy spirit in our lives to live a godly life.
2.) universalism devalues the need of Jesus Christ for entrance into heaven.
The word is clear that the only way into Heaven is through salvation through the blood of Jesus Christ, "salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under Heaven given to men by which we MUST be saved" (acts 4:12) No amount of good works or wise words can gain ones entrance into heaven. Jesus is the entry ticket, the blood of the cross gives us access as sons into a place we could never work ourselves into as slaves. John Bevere says, "you'd be wise to do the 'should do's" (in the bible) but you'd be a fool to not do the "must do's". Salvation comes through no one other than Christ.
3.) universalism makes Christ only another teacher (like gandhi) and removes the value of the death and resurrection.
The cornerstone of Christianity is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Without the resurrection there is little clout the Christian faith can place above Islam, Buddhism, or other religions. Muhammad and Buddha said wise things that can be applicable to lives just as Jesus did, however the defining concept of Christianity is that we serve a Risen Savior. If universalism is truth, than it makes little difference which earthly god we serve or if we choose to serve earthly passions because we will all end up in the same place regardless.
4.) universalism neglected any need for holy living and life-change after accepting Christ.
My final point against universalism is taken from Matthew 7:16 that states we will be known as Christ's by the fruit of our actions. Holiness is the reaction to a changed life in Christ, it is coming up to his level of living. 1 Peter goes even further, urging us to "be holy as I (god) am holy". The urging and need for a holy life cannot line up with the thinking bell seems to be promoting in his new book.
All that being said, I still want to believe the best of bell as he has been influential in my personal Christian walk, however my fear is that this will lead a generation into lives of darkness, pursuing their own wills without regard to consequences or what is holy.
In all honestly, I have a hard time listening to John Piper preach. Piper is so bent on holiness i have a difficult time understanding how i could ever measure up to the level he is setting in deed and word. I Do, however believe the greater need today is for a generation to wake up and say, "how holy can i be?" not "what can i get away with?"
Louie Giglio preaches that we need to start talking about Jesus more because everyone has a "god". Most everyone has something that they serve daily. What makes us special, what sets the children of the most High apart is that God has a name...JESUS.
Can everyone go to heaven?? YES, through Jesus!!
So I plan to not criticize bell and act like I have it all figured out from this point forward, but rather to carry the name of Jesus the same way I carry a Louis Vuitton purse...everywhere.
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/02/26/rob-bell-universalist/
First, id like to start by saying Rob Bell never had a greater advocate than Bre Little. I've been a huge supporter ever since reading "velvet Elvis" for the first time in college. It made so much sense to a questioning college student, even making the Christ id followed my entire life remarkably more accessible. There is actually an entry in my phone titled, "rob bell hater" because I believed this person had unfairly judged bell.I know rob bell's books, teachings, and videos have held that type of influence on many 20-somethings and beyond. I have a friend with no desire to be part of any religion or denomination that loves bell because of the quality of the NOOMA videos. Within my generation it would be difficult to find someone who yields more influence, so it is with great regret I have to disagree with him today.
Universalism is the idea that a loving God would not subject anyone to punishment or harm. This type of thinking generally dismisses the idea of hell completely and, in John Bevere's words, call upon a "big cover up" grace that covers every sin. I think this is a beautiful idea. Having dealt personally with the tragic suicide of a young cousin, it would at times be nice to rest assured I'd never have to as a difficult question about faith ever again because everything was taken care of and everyone got to heaven in the end. It enables individuals to live reckless lives with not consideration if the life to come and the example of holiness Christ set.
Seeing as bell is still considering himself a Christian, lets throw the word of God into the mix and see how dangerous this conclusion is:
1.) universalism voids the need of humanity a savior.
Romans 3;23-"for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god." the new testament goes on to state that there is, "none righteous, no not one." (Romans 3:10) humankind needed a savior, this is the message of the old testament, the history of the Jewish people. God brought the prophets to foretell to the children of Israel that one day the Messiah would come, inhabit flesh, and redeem what was taken in the garden. Later, Christ would come and say that he did not come to abolish the law of the old testament, but to fulfill it, to make it go further so we could rely on the work of the holy spirit in our lives to live a godly life.
2.) universalism devalues the need of Jesus Christ for entrance into heaven.
The word is clear that the only way into Heaven is through salvation through the blood of Jesus Christ, "salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under Heaven given to men by which we MUST be saved" (acts 4:12) No amount of good works or wise words can gain ones entrance into heaven. Jesus is the entry ticket, the blood of the cross gives us access as sons into a place we could never work ourselves into as slaves. John Bevere says, "you'd be wise to do the 'should do's" (in the bible) but you'd be a fool to not do the "must do's". Salvation comes through no one other than Christ.
3.) universalism makes Christ only another teacher (like gandhi) and removes the value of the death and resurrection.
The cornerstone of Christianity is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Without the resurrection there is little clout the Christian faith can place above Islam, Buddhism, or other religions. Muhammad and Buddha said wise things that can be applicable to lives just as Jesus did, however the defining concept of Christianity is that we serve a Risen Savior. If universalism is truth, than it makes little difference which earthly god we serve or if we choose to serve earthly passions because we will all end up in the same place regardless.
4.) universalism neglected any need for holy living and life-change after accepting Christ.
My final point against universalism is taken from Matthew 7:16 that states we will be known as Christ's by the fruit of our actions. Holiness is the reaction to a changed life in Christ, it is coming up to his level of living. 1 Peter goes even further, urging us to "be holy as I (god) am holy". The urging and need for a holy life cannot line up with the thinking bell seems to be promoting in his new book.
All that being said, I still want to believe the best of bell as he has been influential in my personal Christian walk, however my fear is that this will lead a generation into lives of darkness, pursuing their own wills without regard to consequences or what is holy.
In all honestly, I have a hard time listening to John Piper preach. Piper is so bent on holiness i have a difficult time understanding how i could ever measure up to the level he is setting in deed and word. I Do, however believe the greater need today is for a generation to wake up and say, "how holy can i be?" not "what can i get away with?"
Louie Giglio preaches that we need to start talking about Jesus more because everyone has a "god". Most everyone has something that they serve daily. What makes us special, what sets the children of the most High apart is that God has a name...JESUS.
Can everyone go to heaven?? YES, through Jesus!!
So I plan to not criticize bell and act like I have it all figured out from this point forward, but rather to carry the name of Jesus the same way I carry a Louis Vuitton purse...everywhere.
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/02/26/rob-bell-universalist/
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