boy and girl. man and woman.

So here is a break from my normal musings into my own personal spiritual struggle and life to address an issue that is more and more misunderstood within our culture and even church daily: male headship. I know that I might seem like the very last girl in the world to want to lend any of my will to a man (and I'm not going to any time too soon) but more and more I have heard married women speak with such disdain for their husband's authority, his spiritual leadership, and have taken their own opinions to action, claiming God's guidance. I want to set the record straight...or at least the Little Record.

Marriage is a really big deal to God. Not only does He institute it within the first pages of the Bible, but Christ also confirms the importance by performing his first miracle at a wedding. Regardless of your feelings about feminism or equality, I think it is important, at the onset to recognize how very important order is in God's plan. During the creation narrative, God does not simply create things that he wants to without giving consideration to when they are created. First land and water are created to sustain life before wildlife, and finally humans are introduced to Genesis. In much the same way, Man is created before woman, in Genesis 2:7. With God creating Adam, he also bestowed upon him responsibility immediately, putting him in the garden to work (2:15) and giving him the task of naming all livestock (2:20). From the onset, man was given specific tasks and a place of headship over creation.

Now enters woman. After looking at the entire created order, God decides that it is not good for man to be alone, so God specially forms woman. Woman is not created out of the dust of the ground like man was, but rather out of the side-rib of man. She is created not out of dirt, but out of something that was already formed in the image and likeness of God. (2:18-22) 

This at last is bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh

she shall be called Woman, 

because she was taken out of Man.

Genesis 2:23

From our origin, we were created, as women, to be adored, cherished, and loved in a way that nothing else in creation ever could be. Remember the next verse:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother

and hold fast to his wife,

and they shall become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

It is only the second chapter of God's entire story He would leave His people, and already he is setting up His natural order. A man will give up his own life, desires, family, everything to cleave, hold fast, and become one with his wife. These sentences in the Bible make the point that marriage creates the closest of all human relationships. It is important to observe that God creates only one Eve for Adam, not several Eves or another Adam. The kinship between husband and wife creates obligations that override even duty to one's parents. 

Here is where I would like to make a few statements out of the New Testament, quoted directly from the Word of God, that almost always get modern-women up in arms, so bear with me.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Ephesians 5:20-24

and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Titus 2:4-5

And We can't forget the boys:

 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.  "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

 Ephesians 5:25-33

Now to unpack these verses. I am well aware that feminism did wonders for my gender in terms of allowing us to vote, have equal place with men in the workplace, and divorce us from typical female duties...bravo Rosie the Riveter. All the same, I have become sickened seeing and hearing talk from "godly women" on TV, and in the church not model the relationship and order God set out from the beginning.

I think a lot of people will be surprised with my take on the question of male headship for several reasons: first, I am a very strong, willed and opinionated woman that almost always speaks her mind; secondly, I am very firm in my religious belief system and am going to take a very special and God-fearing man to "lead me" in the Lord, and finally I am twenty six and have never been married or engaged. I realize this makes me the prime candidate to "hate on" men being in charge in the Bible and find new was of "interpreting" the irrevocable word of Almighty God ;) (sarcasm implied) Nevertheless I do not view God's created order or the idea that a woman should submit to her husband as an attack on my gender as being weak...and I encourage every woman married or single to take a very long and fast look at what the Word really says.

Women have been treasured from creation. Yes, we are to submit to our husbands spiritually, financially, emotionally, and in every possible way. I wholeheartedly believe this. Not because men are a stronger, smarter, or greater sex, but because God has given them an even greater responsibility, and we...a much greater honor. Marriage was instituted not simply for procreation, but to mirror the love and relationship that God has for His Church. Love without bounds, limits, or reason. Love that cannot be expressed in the human language. Love that breaks yokes, forgives misdoings, and never relents...regardless of how much we screw up. 

I doubt any woman would say that the church can be in charge of things spiritually because God is not holding up to His end of the bargain. Yes, we are human. Men (we all know) make mistakes, but so do we. Culture, however, is pushing women further and further away from the order created at the breath of creation...pushing us to desmasculinize men so that we can get ahead, feel more spiritual, or get pity from our friends. Whether you are married to Billy Graham or Billy the Kid, God is for and in every marriage. Think back to the Garden. God created one Eve for Adam...regardless of what brought you into this relationship (barring biblical reasons for dissolving), you are with that man for a reason...and only that man. God would not have created Eve to be in relationship and start the human race with a man who could not lead or love her. And God is still as involved in every marriage as he was the first marriage in Eden. 

So why have men cowered in the corner and not taken initiative in their families, their marriages, their finances, their spiritual walk in the modern church? Yes, things like sin, temptation....yadda yadda yadda play a role, but I wager that a great deal of good men who want to live lives of integrity and honor have been so demasculinized from the women in their lives, they wonder what the use is. From the way their mothers treated and spoke about their fathers to the way their wives nag at their every move...men are afraid to lead because they don't think anyone will follow them. And that terrifies me when I think of humanity's future.

So here is a word to women: edify the man God has brought into your life. Don't down talk him to your friends but continually life him up to the Lord in prayer that he might step into His god-given role to lead you, provide for you, and love you as Christ loves His church. No one is giving Christ advice on how to love...Calvary set the example for love and that is the love that is available to every marriage. Women who are still single: look for the characteristics of a Godly man in the men you date, associate with, or even spend time with. Conduct yourselves in a way, dress in a way, and lead lives that men worth following will want to be around. Don't settle for anything less than your Adam.

To men: Women want nothing more than to be led. Although culture won't back me up, women put on a tough front that is rooted in severe insecurity and fear of rejection. Model strength not to get your way, but to look to the good of both your lives. Live your single lives in a way that honors your future wife whether she is the woman you are dating now or will meet ten years down the road. God was thinking about your marriage from the day you were born. Model love, integrity, and honor in every relationship you have with women, from your sister to the waitress at Pizza Hut...be a man...that's what will bring you your Eve.

I do not believe that men are superior to women, nor should either partner in a relationship be lorded over, but women and men both need to come to a much clearer understanding of God's natural order...if and when we do we will live lives of peace that exemplify the Holy Marriage of Christ and His Church. A relationship that will lead and guide others to Him.

I leave you with the most famous quotations of what love really looks like, 1 Corinthians 13:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

 

grace.mercy.

If there were a common theme to the blogs that I write, I would have to say that theme is the concepts of grace and mercy. Perhaps these are themes in my writing because they have been so incredibly vital in my life, but regardless of what I go to the Word of God for, I never read a passage without an incredible, daunting reflection and consideration of the grace and mercy of God.

Tonight I was preparing for my small group class I teach on Sunday Nights and came upon one of the most familiar passages of scripture, the story of the woman with the alabaster box. Everyone knows the story in Luke chapter 7, how a "sinful" woman enters the home of a Pharisee where Christ is, pours on him perfume that was worth a year's wages, and proceeds to thank Christ for the forgiveness she so desperately needs before he has spoken the words of forgiveness.

So often we go to the Lord asking Him to "speak" to us, or to forgive us...then we proceed on with our laundry list of "I wants," "I needs." We never give God the opportunity to speak back, much less ourselves the chance to thank Him for the incredible gift of mercy we take for granted we will receive from Him just upon asking. We are literally asking the God of the universe to speak to us. How would you really react if that happened? If we gave God the time, created the space in our self-consumed lives to let Him actually show up? What if we really meant what we prayed??

Chances are we wouldn't keep living our self-consumed lives filled with sin and selfish ambition. We'd quit telling white lies and always preferring ourselves. We'd give up our secret-sins, we'd change the way we talk. We might even give loving our enemies a shot...all because we had had one single encounter with the divine Word of God...(I'll quit talking about that now to not ruin my message for my Sunday night students, but stay tuned for a Sunday night submission on this subject...life-changing)

Back to Luke, the Pharisees don't react well. They think it is an abomination and a waste of money so Christ turns to Peter and asks him a question in a parable. In 2011 terms it goes like this, "If there was a moneylender who had two debtors, one owed him the equivalent of 20 months wages and the other owed him 2 months wages and the moneylender forgave their debts, which would love him more?" The answer seemed so obvious...the one who had been forgiven more.

Mercy is the overarching theme of my life. I mean, I really want the nerve to get the word tattooed on my wrist it is so important. Daily I am reminded that like that woman, I have been forgiven infinitely more than I deserve...but what is the usual response? We feel puffed up. We feel superior to our friends who are "sinning worse". We make allowances for our lives in secret. These things ought not be... God extends His grace for one reason, so we would love Christ more. When I read this woman's story I am humbled and challenged afresh by the power of grace to change my life. A life not bent on satisfying the sinful nature, but on loving Christ more. On showing and extending the grace of God in such a tangible way to the people I encounter that they say, "I want your God."

Philip Yancey always challenges me with his statement, "There is nothing I can do to make God love me more, there is nothing I can do to make God love me less." The ball is in our court. In exchange for this great gift of unmerited mercy and extravagant grace...I must love Him more.

phoenix.

Let's face it, I have made a lot of really bad decisions when it comes to relationships in my life. I have dated some complete losers, low-life's, and befriended some very shady people. Through some of my "learning years" let's call them, I ran the gambit of figuring things out the hard way when it comes to relationships. I think this has made me cherish the true relationships in my life that much more.

George Washington said, "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence." The Prez definately wasn't lying when he uttered those words. Working now with young adults, one of the concerns/complaints I hear more than anything else is, "I just feel so alone, I wish I had more friends." Living in rural Oklahoma, I used to echo these cries. I used to feel I needed people around, talking to me, texting me, or social networking me to somehow validate my life and not feel alone. Especially as a single late-twenty-something, it is easy to feel isolated.


But Washington's words come back to mind. I came to a point last year where I was extending myself and my time to so many people I was getting no sleep and continually stressed out. Some were getting jealous because of how I was dividing my time and I was just exhausted. People will take you for a ride, monopolize all your time, take up all your energy, and in the end spit you out when you don't give them what they want if you are not careful, that is why true, valuable, and close friends are hard to come by and one of life's greatest blessings.


Last week I was reminded of this while I was evaluating National Fine Arts Festival in Phoenix, Arizona. I grew up loving Fine Arts (to the horror of some) and never outgrew my passion for the program. It seemed like everywhere I turned I was greeted with a hug, a scream of excitement, and sometimes tears. I was literally surrounded by like-minded people who actually understood why I am living my life the way I am and who I want to be. I didn't have to put on a show or a facade, for one week I was relieved to "just be" and that be more than enough. 


Mind you, I do not see most of these people more than once a year. I have collected this handful of beautiful people over the past decade and a half through some of the most random twists of fate. Some of them I talk to monthly, some only a handful of times a year...nevertheless I know that No matter where in the world they are, they'd be on a plane in a second if I needed them. There is such a value in relationships that edify your spiritual walk and personal life decisions. I encourage you to be cautious in how and why you choose relationships. Often those that seem the most appealing will lead to your demise, where those you wouldn't give a second look end up as your soul-mate. 


I left Phoenix not only refreshed by old friends but encouraged by new relationships that are forming in my life. Some that might take me to new places within the ministry and life. I cherish and love every single one of you...


xoxo-B


P.S. To the friends I was not able to connect with, I am so sorry. Unfortunately AT&T didn't like my decision to live in a convention center all week. 

disappointment

A wise man once said that "disappointments are to the soul what thunderstorms are to the atmosphere"....I'm sure his friends said he was just being dramatic, but deep inside everyone knows that feeling. Things don't work out with a guy. You're going through a break-up with the person you just knew was the right person for you. You lose your job. You don't get into grad school. That warm feeling that rises in your throat when you have to tell the people you love that you've once again fallen short of their expectations on your life. Disappointment is one of the most disheartening of emotions, but one that is constant to the entire human race.

I have recently been dealing with a great deal of feeling inadequate in my life. Overwhelmed and underprepared. Giving all I have and it still not being enough. Having hopes sky high plumet back to the grave. Like almost anyone, I have used disappointments most generally as a reason to throw myself a pity party, feel sorry for my plight, and consume too much sugar....Will anything I want or hope for ever work out?

It's times like these I am drawn back to the scriptures. Remember quoting Proverbs 3 in VBS that if we trusted in God, He would give us the desires of OUR heart? What ever happend to that? I'm pretty sure I knew what my heart wanted. What about Romans 8 where it says that "all things work together for the good for those who love god"???

Today I had a reality shock. As I was feeling sorry for myself once again, and drawn to my scriptures of selfish comfort I realized something. The entire idea that God would give us our heart's desires is firmly rooted in the belief that Christ is at the bottom of our joy, our happiness, our everything. If He truly is the thing form which all other emotions spring, then and only then can we trust our heart's desires. Maybe my heart and soul were disconnected without my knowing it because my mind was given to the control of the Master, but I wanted to hold onto my emotions.

Furthermore, Romans 8:28 reads, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." We like to think that "good" means things work out the way we want them to. We get the job, we get the boy, we get the raise. What this verse is actually speaking of, however is the "good" is "conformity to Christ." A better way of reading the verse might be, "And we know that to those who love God, all things work together to shape and mold them into the image of Christ."

Christ let us know from the beginning the price of following Him. It is an invitation to die, it points at the cross. In the midst of my disappointment, I must keep my eyes not on myself and my Ben and Jerry's, but at the cross. At what Christ did so that my ransom could be paid. At how Christ lived as an example to me. To allow my disappointment to "appoint'" me as a bearer of the name of Christ in the midst of my pain.

I rarely have been more inspired or encouraged by an individual than when they go through something earth-shattering and do not lose their faith. And I think all of us in Western Oklahoma, at least, know, the air is never fresher or full of more life and hope than right after a thunder storm.

scars.

Andre Maurois once said, "A man cannot free himself from the past more easily than he can from his own body." Can't say Andre was off target. The past. A chain of memories, victories, heartbreaks, triumph, and shame. I once heard it said that a truly single-minded person's life can be summed up in one word. If my past were any clue, my word is schizophrenic.

What is so amazing about my past (since I cannot speak for anyone else) is how little good I choose to recall or remember. Life is like a continual first-date, rehearsing the answers you have to different questions about where you came from and where you are going. When I meet a new person that I hope to make as friend, immediately future conversations start running through my head. "What will they think when they hear I did this?" "What will they say when they found out I dated them?" "How can I explain that?" It's like a job interview without parking validation or a 401 K. I feel that there is no way one can embrace my past or overlook it on the way to seeing my future. I couldn't help but wonder: Why are we so obsessed with the past?

I'll be the first to say that I have screwed up royally on many fronts of my life. I've said no when I should have said yes and vice versa. I've chosen the wrong friends, path, and ways to spend my money. I've dated boys that left me feeling damaged and insecure. I've hurt my physical body in the name of beauty. Why would anyone want to be my friend...much less, why would God want to use anyone like me??

I have started making goals for my 26th year of life. One of my priorities is to start and finish a book I have felt inspired to write since I was nineteen years old. Although I don't want to give the details away (since I don't even know them), I want to write about identity. The last 26 years of my life have seemed to be a nonstop search for acceptance both from others and ultimately myself. While I have overcome so many obstacles of the past, however, a frightening truth came to me this week: If I really write this book, I have to start living like I believe what it says.

It's amazing how frightening the truth is. I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy, insuffciency, and self-hatred since I was very young. These were the feelings and emotions that drove me to a place of self-destruction and self-gratification. Since then I have buried myself in what the Word of the Lord says about me and to me, counseling others going through similar trials. But how much of all of it am I REALLY buying?? My heart says, not enough. I know the truth, but I won't let it set me free. I've lived so long battling insecurity I don't know what I would be without it. Rather than allowing my past failures, mistakes, and heartbreaks to enhance my testimony, I use them to sink further into my familiar and comfortable bed of hating myself and feeling worthless. "I've messed up too much, God couldn't use me if He wanted." "Sure, at one point in my life there was a divine purpose for my existence, but I messed that up so I am going to settle for serving the Lord in the hole I've dug for myself."

Thoughts race through my mind at least 10 times a minute about how inadequate I am or how overly-qualified someone else is. Comparison is one of the hallmarks of insecurity and that seems to explain a lot. I've lived to compare myself to everyone and everything except what the word of God says about me. But more than that, I have compared myself to my own past, and that past to the perception of what a person should be. I come out looking scarred, used up, and defeated.

Tonight I got to thinking about my father's sermon on Sunday. He preached out of Hosea (props to any minister preaching from the minor prophets), about God making the Valley of Achor (literally "trouble") a "door of hope." The children of Israel, like Gomer, like me...had scars. They had forsaken Yahweh, they had made plans for themselves and the plans had failed. I think we need to be reminded, however, that our past does not determine our future and our present doesn't determine our end.

I felt called of God when I was eight years old to preach. I was steadfast in this plan until I was about 20, then life happened. I was disappointed. I got sick. I was deceived in a very abusive relationship. Finally, I gave up. Too many bad things were being harbored in my past for God to use me in the way He wanted to. But, just like Hosea, the past I bring to the table will be the hope that brings others to Christ and to freedom through me. It is easy to look at your past and judge yourself because we are very good at judging others, but when we do this we take on the idea we know the mind of God.

I am reminded of the verse in Isaiah 55 that talks about how much higher the ways of God are than ours. That maybe God's conception of justice, of mercy, of grace, is much higher, greater, and more advanced than ours could ever be. Maybe, just maybe God's hand was in the middle of my seemingly chaotic life the entire time, and I've never been so in step with His will than now, using my scars to help others who are hurting.

George Bernard Shaw once said, "We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but the responsibility for our future." I have a responsibility to not let my past ruin the plan of God or the lives I am meant to touch with the message of the identity only found through Christ.

It would probably scare us to see the change that could be wrought in our world if we'd chop our scars up to battle wounds, and keep fighting.

love.

It has been a while since my last blog...I tend to blog in waves. I've said before that one needs a certain emotion to write anything worth reading or singing and maybe I am just finding my way around the cycle of emotions. It's almost summer and there are so many new things knocking at my door. So many opportunities, so many challenges, so many questions. Something that frightens me but seems to be a pattern in life is the more we need God's direction, the less we talk to Him and the more time we spend wallowing in the midst of our finite thoughts.

Maybe I am alone here. Perhaps everyone else who keeps a running dialogue with the Almighty has it straight. Questions arise, life transitions, they spend more time in the prayer closet than when everything is a steady stream. At times even my periods of worship end up with me in silence, not enjoying the presence of God, but the uncertainty of my plight...swimming around in the spinning pool of my thoughts.

but this blog is supposed to be about love.

Here it goes. I'll be 26 in around 25 days. I'll be closer to 30 than 20, I'll be beyond the quarter of a century mark. My single friends have diminished to being able to count on my hands, and the majority of them are at least four years younger than me. My Facebook page has more baby photo updates than anything else, and I rehearse my answer to the question, "So Bre when are YOU getting married?" before every wedding or public event I attend.

All this being said I feel as though my life is filled with more love, passion, and emotion than almost anyone I've ever met. Tonight was the season finale of Glee and I watched Rachel Berry talk with so much passion about how she couldn't date Finn because when she graduated next year she was moving to  New York City and never coming back. She was determined to not give up on her dream of starring on Broadway, and despite her love for the boy, her real love was the stage. My mother and I couldn't help but laugh remembering my rational for breaking up with my high school boyfriend while I was in NYC because I had to move there, I had to follow out my dream.

Granted most think of Rachel Berry as an annoying TV character and the girl no one could stand in high school, nevertheless I think there is something very pure, honest, and direct about loving your destiny above all else. Yes, my passionate plans may have changed over the past decade. Where I am going isn't to be a news anchor and stage actress, but the passion, the drive, and the purpose in my life is the same. I'm determined to see my life's purpose accomplished. I'm driven to never give up.

That said, I still believe in love. I am an artist, and driven by strong, sometimes overwhelming emotions. Those who know me best are driven AWAY by these deep feelings. Joy that makes me hug complete strangers without warning, heartache that is so gut-wrenching I can't help but wail, even stress and confusion that makes my body physically ill. Overkill? Maybe. But my capacity to feel deeply I have no doubt will be a catalyst for accomplishing the Work I am on the earth to accomplish. Although I've grown up and harnessed these emotions to a great degree I can't help but wonder if maybe one of the reasons I've remained single all these years is the fear of what love could do to me.

C.S. Lewis, a kindred spirit from a different century once wrote, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless==it will change. It will not be broken; it will be unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

Love, feeling, commitment, by any definition, is terrifying. I recently got a maltese puppy and have to admit have been wrecked by fear on more than one occasion at the thought of losing her. Yes, I am aware that she is merely a dog, but I love this dog more than a lot of husbands love their wives. Maybe it's the actress in me, but I do not believe in having half-felt emotions. If I am going to love, it has to be without abandon and maybe after 26 years that makes the idea of love terrifying. I consider how much I love my puppy who I know is temporary and cannot imagine the type of love I am capable of having for another human being. So perhaps by that token, maybe I am scared.

Two weeks ago an elderly man who was a minister for many years and now is a janitor at our high school filled the pulpit for my father. I have to admit, I was a little irritated he didn't ask me to preach, but the Sunday absolutely changed me. He prayed specifically for me in front of our entire congregation a the close of his message. Albeit, he began the message with the line, "Lord, someday someone will love her." (to chuckles of laughter by all) Then said he wasn't joking.

This man, who knows nothing serious concerning my personal life prayed the most prophetic word I have ever had spoken over me. That the Lord would bring someone into my life that would let me fly, let me be me, let me live out the call of God on my life. Someone who would understand the reason I live my life the way I do...

And after that prayer by an eighty-year old janitor, I believe I don't have to be afraid any more.

God has a big plan. It's bigger than me swimming in my thoughts...and why would I rush Him and cheat myself of experiencing an emotion greater than anything I could ever experience by finding someone on my own??

.

I give up.

Three days into Lent this year and I'm already craving a diet coke and cupcake. It absolutely amazes me how things i never even think about have such a control on our lives. While i give things up every year,this year is particularly significant for many reasons. I am astonished when i read my Lenten blog from last year at where this year has taken me, and perhaps i need to take time this evening to reflect.

Id like to share a story tonight that, until recently, I didn't like to tell. This story involves the worst day of my life. I can pinpoint easily what i considered to be the worst day of my life as Ash Wednesday 2008. Now I have had days when worst things have happened to me,but this day stands as a moment where i felt absolutely and completely helpless and alone. I had just gotten out of my two-year abusive relationship with Lucifer's cousin, I had changed my major because said person had fears of my being more successful than him, and i had applied to graduate school. I was graduating in two months when i found out that, not only had my relationship not worked out, but i hadn't been accepted to the only school I had applied to. I was overly-qualified, why wouldn't they want me? I remember getting my fathers phone call...he had opened my mail and carried the bad news. I wasn't even upset because I didn't get in, i was mortified because i had nowhere else to go.

I had absolutely nothing going for me at that moment. I'd disappointed a lot of people with the decisions i had made in the previous years and hated myself for making those i loved doubt me. I didn't have a plan, much less purpose. I had abandoned my calling years before convinced that i was not worthy of being used by God because i had screwed up so badly He'd have to be overly desperate to use me. I decided to go ahead and go to the Ash Wednesday service at my Episcopal church for some solace...bad idea. Normally this beautiful church was the most comforting place i could visit to hear from Heaven, but this night i had been suffering from a chest cold and ended up having a fierce coughing attack in front of about 500 people. The noise reverberated off the wooden ceilings and marble floors. Nothing was working out for me that day. I didn't even know why I should wake the next morning...Lord knows I didn't want to.

I tell you this story to prove a point: truth chases us during Lent. Truth was chasing me that day but I didn't see it, i didn't want to accept it. I seems that when we deny ourselves of the things that make our lives more comfortable, we allow god to move us from a place of mediocrity to a place congruent with His purpose for our lives. Looking back now, I know that going to graduate school would have been the biggest waste of my life and money. I would never have been happy and i most definitely would not be living out my life's purpose now. Sadly, i did not get the message in that fateful Ash Wednesday and continued to live in a way that made sense to me...my life would be so much different today if I would have accepted truth when it came knocking at my door.

I say all this to tell you, do not be afraid to let God move you. He always knows what He is doing. What you think is your worst day could easily be the day where God turns your life to face your destiny. I'm getting my masters today in something that matters and has eternal meaning, Im happier than I've ever been, and i am thankful that God chose to speak to me one Ash Wednesday and tell me to turn around,

rob bell.

This is a rather difficult blog for me to write. Challenging and daunting to say the least. Today John Piper, a man i greatly respect in the faith sent out a tweet reading "farewell rob bell" along with a link i will include at the end of this blog. The article attached speaks of how bell's next book was influenced by a member of a church saying that "gandhi is in hell". The blog that follows is not concerning Mahatma, but rather the greater question of universalism and the influence Bell's latest book, "love wins" and the ideology it holds will have on my generations earthly and eternal message.

First, id like to start by saying Rob Bell never had a greater advocate than Bre Little. I've been a huge supporter ever since reading "velvet Elvis" for the first time in college. It made so much sense to a questioning college student, even making the Christ id followed my entire life remarkably more accessible. There is actually an entry in my phone titled, "rob bell hater" because I believed this person had unfairly judged bell.I know rob bell's books, teachings, and videos have held that type of influence on many 20-somethings and beyond. I have a friend with no desire to be part of any religion or denomination that loves bell because of the quality of the NOOMA videos. Within my generation it would be difficult to find someone who yields more influence, so it is with great regret I have to disagree with him today.

Universalism is the idea that a loving God would not subject anyone to punishment or harm. This type of thinking generally dismisses the idea of hell completely and, in John Bevere's words, call upon a "big cover up" grace that covers every sin. I think this is a beautiful idea. Having dealt personally with the tragic suicide of a young cousin, it would at times be nice to rest assured I'd never have to as a difficult question about faith ever again because everything was taken care of and everyone got to heaven in the end. It enables individuals to live reckless lives with not consideration if the life to come and the example of holiness Christ set.

Seeing as bell is still considering himself a Christian, lets throw the word of God into the mix and see how dangerous this conclusion is:

1.) universalism voids the need of humanity a savior.

Romans 3;23-"for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god." the new testament goes on to state that there is, "none righteous, no not one." (Romans 3:10) humankind needed a savior, this is the message of the old testament, the history of the Jewish people. God brought the prophets to foretell to the children of Israel that one day the Messiah would come, inhabit flesh, and redeem what was taken in the garden. Later, Christ would come and say that he did not come to abolish the law of the old testament, but to fulfill it, to make it go further so we could rely on the work of the holy spirit in our lives to live a godly life.

2.) universalism devalues the need of Jesus Christ for entrance into heaven.
The word is clear that the only way into Heaven is through salvation through the blood of Jesus Christ, "salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under Heaven given to men by which we MUST be saved" (acts 4:12) No amount of good works or wise words can gain ones entrance into heaven. Jesus is the entry ticket, the blood of the cross gives us access as sons into a place we could never work ourselves into as slaves. John Bevere says, "you'd be wise to do the 'should do's" (in the bible) but you'd be a fool to not do the "must do's". Salvation comes through no one other than Christ.

3.) universalism makes Christ only another teacher (like gandhi) and removes the value of the death and resurrection.
The cornerstone of Christianity is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Without the resurrection there is little clout the Christian faith can place above Islam, Buddhism, or other religions. Muhammad and Buddha said wise things that can be applicable to lives just as Jesus did, however the defining concept of Christianity is that we serve a Risen Savior. If universalism is truth, than it makes little difference which earthly god we serve or if we choose to serve earthly passions because we will all end up in the same place regardless.

4.) universalism neglected any need for holy living and life-change after accepting Christ.

My final point against universalism is taken from Matthew 7:16 that states we will be known as Christ's by the fruit of our actions. Holiness is the reaction to a changed life in Christ, it is coming up to his level of living. 1 Peter goes even further, urging us to "be holy as I (god) am holy". The urging and need for a holy life cannot line up with the thinking bell seems to be promoting in his new book.

All that being said, I still want to believe the best of bell as he has been influential in my personal Christian walk, however my fear is that this will lead a generation into lives of darkness, pursuing their own wills without regard to consequences or what is holy.

In all honestly, I have a hard time listening to John Piper preach. Piper is so bent on holiness i have a difficult time understanding how i could ever measure up to the level he is setting in deed and word. I Do, however believe the greater need today is for a generation to wake up and say, "how holy can i be?" not "what can i get away with?"

Louie Giglio preaches that we need to start talking about Jesus more because everyone has a "god". Most everyone has something that they serve daily. What makes us special, what sets the children of the most High apart is that God has a name...JESUS.

Can everyone go to heaven?? YES, through Jesus!!

So I plan to not criticize bell and act like I have it all figured out from this point forward, but rather to carry the name of Jesus the same way I carry a Louis Vuitton purse...everywhere.

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/02/26/rob-bell-universalist/

First blog.

So this blog is a lot of firsts, and I'm going to keep it short because i have tea on. This is the first blog I will write after going into the ministry full-time (and at the same time making myself the target of an all-out satanic attack, this is my first blog of 2011, this is the first blog on the new blog (that wasnt copied and pasted), and this is the first blog on my iPad. It's difficult to pinpoint which is the most exciting.

A lot has changed in a year. Not only did I step into my calling and accept my first ministry gig, but I'm in the process of becoming a reverend and a master (getting credentialed and in graduate school). Like everything else I have ever done with my life, of course, I came ito every title (pastor, student, associat, peer) with crazy expectations not only of myself but the other individuals i would encounter along the way. Needless to say: I never sleep and have placed unrealistic trust/expectations on myself and others. Being a grown up isn't always fun, but i suppose it is necessary.

Okay i was just checking in to see if anyone ever reads this. I'm off to drink tea and watch Grey's anatomy, tomorrow is my day off which is code for: four hours of sleep, wake up, go to the church, and work on school during the daylight.

red.

for those of you who have wanted to see my red hair:

Purpose.

I've heard it said that some people wander aimlessly through their lives to only find their true purpose on their deathbeds. What is more sad is that most of these people's purpose lived with them, breathed with them, inhabited the same homes, shared the same street their entire lives. So often we are so distracted by things that may never happen, or opinions of people who don't matter, or are obsessed with an image of ourselves we would like to create, we don't look at the bigger picture going on around us. We trade in our true purpose for a second-rate state of ordinary that will at least be competitive with our neighbors and peers. 

I have been thinking a lot about purpose lately. When I was a teenager, I remember being so full of destiny, hope, and courage to believe my life would count for something beyond what I could achieve in my own capacity. I remember having dreams and ambitions that seemed so unbelievable now, but so tangible then. There have been days where I have thought back to the sense of urgency I held to winning the lost, living a life of integrity and uprightness, and using my brief time on earth to matter for eternity. How far removed my young-adult life is from those undiluted, uninhibited goals of changing the world. Why do we so often let life, disappointments, and personal failures compromise our callings? 

A lot has happened since I graduated high-school. That bright-eyed girl was hit with a hard dose of reality, personal sickness, heartbreak, and shame. A lot of life was packed into the past seven years, and with that living came much doubt. Some of my pain was self-inflicted, some of it was not. Through it, however, I rationalized that the plan of God for my life must be different from the one that bright-eyed teenager had. It wasn't big, over the top, part of a larger story that started with God and ends with God. No, it was practical. It was comfortable. It was ordinary. 

For the past five to seven years I've searched for a place...any place in my life to feel safe and content. I've tried different churches, different relationships, different schools, different majors, different jobs, different locations, all ending up in the same place. Dissatisfied. Unhappy. Wanting more. I've tried to convince myself on multiple occasions that my current path is the path I'm supposed to walk down. "This is what a loving relationship looks like." "you'll be happy if you get this degree, or take this job." Yet for the past seven years I could not pinpoint one moment where I have felt absolutely and completely content, at peace with myself, and happy with my place in life. 

I attribute this "lost" feeling to not being in my purpose. Not living out the thing I was placed on earth to accomplish. Not doing what I was naturally gifted at. The thing I would do for free. The thing I would devote myself to if I knew I only had a limited amount of time on earth to live.

See...here's the deal. Sometimes I forget that my life isn't about getting God into my life and my future. Life isn't about God having His way in my relationships or career ambitions. God's story has been going on longer than I've been alive. Longer than the universe has existed. This Great God of the Universe, however, has chosen to give me a role (however small it may be) in this story He is telling. This epic love-song He is singing to creation...and all this time I've been worried about figuring out my life, on my time-table, to fill my own selfish desires and aspirations. The things the world tells me I need. A good job. A husband. A house. A couple kids. A mortgage. 

For the last few years I've been spinning, trying to find a way to fit God into this tiny little story I was creating for myself that, in the end was all about me and ultimately would make me miserable. As most of you know I have spent the last year of my life killing myself with science and math classes to apply to nursing school. I finally felt like I was on a plan to getting away from home and in two years having a wonderful job that paid well. Somewhere I could work, then leave work at the hospital and do what I wanted with life. I was so excited when I was accepted. I made plans. I gave myself pep-talks. I agonized my way through classes that didn't interest me because I finally felt like I had done something right. Then purpose came knocking...

You see, with as great and admirable as being a nurse is. With as wonderful a job and income as it would afford me...I could be the best nurse in the world and still be miserable. I could work as an RN at Columbia, married to the head of Neurosurgery and still cry myself to sleep every night. Not because there is anything wrong with that life, but simply because it is not where I am supposed to be. It's not the place my life is meant to fit in this grand epic that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the Kingdom. And this fact has tugged at my heart since I was a little girl, that I would never be happy unless I was doing the thing I was set out to do before I was born.

Maybe we talk ourselves out of our purpose because as we mature, get older, and inevitably make mistakes, we feel like we are no longer worthy of our calling. Maybe we feel like it was a great dream for a young-person, but now we need to be practical. In my case it was a little bit of both. I made mistakes, I disappointed myself. A lot of things happened to me from the death of my aunt and cousin to my jaw surgery that I couldn't rationalize in my mind. I still didn't understand why I had to go through these things. So I talked myself out of it. I settled for less, thinking it might be enough.

For those of you who know me, you are well aware of the calling of God on my life to speak from a young age. I've felt called to preach since I was five or six years old. I think I viewed this as an easy choice seeing as I grew up in a minister's home, around ministry. Of course I wanted to be a preacher. While life and circumstances have attempted to separate me from this passion, the desire has only grown. 

You can't outrun your purpose. And you can't fight the Almighty for very long.

So to make a long story extremely short. Last week I started nursing school. This week I withdrew from the program I was in to whole-heartedly pursue the call of God on my life to ministry. I realize this will mean sacrificing a lot of things that make me comfortable, consecrating every decision of my life to the Holy Spirit, and not looking back. I realize the change this means. I understand the costs, and I have never been more confident in a single decision in my life. 

Over the past five days I have already had offers for full-time ministry. The presence of God has been so strong upon me I've felt dreams I had forgotten and new dreams come to life. Although I do not know all the details of this life-long commitment to the work of God, I know for the first time in a long-time I am exactly where I need to be at exactly the right time. 

Being content is a funny thing. Everything around me has remained the same, but it looks completely different. I have changed. My priorities are changing. A weight has been lifted, and I am determined to be the best example of what a Christ-follower looks like to the world that I can possibly be. I want to change the world, and I'm remembering now what it feels like to think that might actually be possible.

All the heartbreak of the past years, all the mistakes I have made will only serve to benefit the kingdom. I realize now that going through things doesn't make you less of a Christian. Making mistakes doesn't belittle the anointing upon your life. When you are able to accept circumstances and admit mistake, yet point to the forgiveness, the mercy, and life-changing power of God, you have an ability to relate to the lost. You have way to give hope to others facing impossible circumstances. I am so thankful for a God who doesn't give up on me just because I gave up on myself. 

This is the starting of something new. This is the start of something fresh. I feel in most every way like this is the start of my life. 

I understand that some people might not understand my decision, or support it, and that's alright. I thank everyone who has prayed for me in the past weeks and those who have been praying for me my whole life. Thank you for journeying with me this far...I hope to keep all of you around for this incredible adventure. 

There is a lot going on right now, I will post more information about my plans as they become available. Until then. Many blessings and as always, all my love.

in the zone.

Have you ever had a moment where your life seemed to suddenly make sense? As if all the pain, confusion, crap in life all of a sudden brought forth the most real, authentic image of a feeling you thought was only fictitious ? A feeling so surreal that feeling it for only ten minutes could keep you hoping and believing for a lifetime?

I have had a few moments like that in my life. One in particular tonight. I think many things contributed to it (not in the least a very moving episode of grey's anatomy), but nevertheless I am up at 3 am after taking Lunesta trying my best to keep this feeling from dying. Holding into every moment I can squeeze out of tonight. So often I'm afraid waking will make it as though the feeling was never there, as if I didn't grasp full ahold of life for that moment. 

I don't have much to say, I am in a zone. I am in a zone physically, spiritually, and emotionally I would devote my entire life to. If only every component of our thoughts, intentions, spirits, and bodies were so aligned every day, in every decision...

Eclipse.

I suppose it comes as no surprise to anyone who remotely knows me that I would write a blog on the latest Hollywood installment of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. I realize these movies have developed something of a cult-like following because of teenage infatuation with the forbidden story of vampires and werewolves falling in love with a human, but to me this story has touched a profound, even spiritual chord.

First, I should start by saying I do not read fiction. I had not finished a fiction book since reading Jane Austen at the age of thirteen until I graduated from college. Under the advice of a well-educated friend who  said reading fiction is critical for the analytical mind, otherwise the mind would "explode," I picked up Stephanie's first book after being intrigued by the advertisements for the first movie.

What I found in the pages of this book wasn't necessarily life-altering. I didn't start dreaming of a pale, perfect boy suddenly wisking me away to a world of immortality while telling me he would never change a single thing about me. I didn't wish I had the power to read the minds of those around me. (It didn't work out too well for Mel Gibson after all.) These stories resonated with my soul, because I felt often like I could have written them.

I relate not to Bella, the plain, human girl who is torn between love for two seemingly perfect men. I am drawn to the fierceness of the love that Edward and Jacob share for her. Protective, selfless, unrelenting, unchanging. Like a magnetism between their souls. Both these characters have no greater desire than to see Bella safe. Their ambition has nothing to do with their own personal gain, happiness, or even the thought of winning some prize against the other. In a world seemingly consumed with failed marriage, heartbreak, and one night stands; I can't help but wonder if I am the only one who still believes love conquers all?

It seems to me that society is so fixated on having what they want when they want it, people are often dating simply because the person lives near them, or marrying simply because they feel it is time in their life to settle down. Relationships begin and end at warp speed, married to the idea of personal pleasure and happiness. When some obstacle gets in the way of our mindless, simple relationships, we bail for something we know will not cause us pain. I have often asked myself after witnessing friend's divorce only months-a few years into their marriages if they truly loved the person they bound their life to, or the idea of love, the idea of security, the idea of companionship, or if they were terrified at the thought of being alone.

I have dated my share of guys, rushed in when I should have taken a second look, listened to the people in my life telling me what a good idea it was, but I don't know if I can truly say I have been in a healthy, mutually loving relationship. It is difficult to find someone who views the idea of companionship, mutual partnership, grounded in the idea that love is something so rare, beautiful, and sacred that once you've found it you are a fool to ever let it go. Although I don't think I have experienced this fierceness in a romantic relationship (probably because I've dated the wrong guys), I have tasted love's fire.  I know my capacity to love.

I have seen it played out in my relationships with friends who I would rather let blaitently hurt me than turn my back on them. I see it in the way my language describes that thing we are all seeking. I am always drawn to the surreal, not necessarily practical characters in books and movies. I choose to believe that love is something that finally convinces the individual to say, "Okay, it really isn't all about me."

Like in the movie, I am not searching the world for a man who would bow at my feet, take a bullet for me, or give me everything I want. In many ways that is the opposite of my longing. Like Edward, to simply be able to love someone so much, knowing full well they might hurt you (because they are only human), or leave you (because humans make stupid decisions), knowing that person is safe is the only thing that dominates you mind. Being able to love them is what you get high off of, not necessarily getting that love in return.

I am reminded of the story of Hosea and Gomer in the Old Testament, and the shadow it gives of Israel and Yahweh, and of Christ and the Church. Regardless of how many times the bride turns her back on her beloved, she is never forgotten. She is never cast out. Mercy resonates through love. I hate to think of how many times I have behaved like Gomer in my relationship to the Almighty, and maybe my realization of my personal failure is what has given me the capacity to believe in something larger than what popular culture and 95% of the population is looking for and failing to find.

The love of God is impossible to understand, fathom, or comprehend. In much the same way the human love I hope and dream of is difficult to understand with eyes viewing only the natural. In Eclipse, Bella tells Edward that she truly does love Jacob, a truth she had been running from. She counters this statement by saying, "But I love you more." Edward doesn't flench, grow mad, or demand she never speak to Jacob again. He simply assures her, "I know," and trusts her love is enough to keep her in his arms. Did it hurt Edward? I'm sure. Was Hosea heartbroken by Gomer's unfaithfulness. Is God not jealous the idols we daily place in front of our devotion to Him? No. But the story here mirrors the love God has for us. He knows our flesh is weak, he knows we will love other things, the only request is that we love Him more. Always, forever, and that that love would outflow into our lives so that eventually our lives become aligned with what we love the most.

That love is not often found in human kind. A love with absolute trust and faith. I have heard so many love stories of couples separated by war and distance, who never wavered in their devotion. Writing beautiful, handwritten letters to their beloved after months, even years of absence. Distance seems to be the nail in the coffin of so many potential friendships and loves in our society. If we cannot have what we want now, we don't want it at all...even if the wait is well worth it in the end.

We know the story, Bella choses Edward. Bella asks to be changed, not so she can live forever, but so she too can protect her beloved. Not to extend her life, but His.

It makes me think there is something worth holding out for.

But for the record. I am team Alice/Jasper.

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solo.

When you are a performer, like me, you are always aiming for a solo. You are always dreaming of going out on your own, center stage, spotlight on, every mind in the audience focused, for a few moments on your gift. Spotlights are not easily shared among artists of any kind, and I would be lying to say I do not long for that feeling, the adrenaline of knowing you can't mess up, the affirmation of applause. In our own way, I think we all search for our own spotlight, regardless of where the curtain may be.

I started thinking about this tonight as I was unable to get to sleep. The idea of doing something alone. The idea of getting all the credit. Sure, it might be a great feeling for five minutes, but it is no way to live your life. Even Miss "Center of Attention," Bre understands this all too well.

I have been in a very low place in my life lately. Not that anything is necessarily going wrong, but just high-stress, physically exhausted, and frustrated with my current place in life. Not that I'm complaining about any of these things. Not necessarily that I am unhappy, but overly extended and stressed beyond what I feel my body is able to handle. Too many things to be done in days that seem to pass like light years. Nevertheless the greatest enemy I have to combat daily isn't College Algebra or Psychological Statistics, it isn't the annoying doctor's visits to fulfill all my requirements for nursing school. Rather it is loneliness.

Mother Theresa once said that, "loneliness is the greatest poverty." That is saying something who devoted her entire life to living among the poorest people on planet earth. Even she recognized that that which bankrupts your spirit is far more painful than that that bankrupts your wealth. Humans were made for relationship, it's built into our DNA...it goes all the way back to Eden. God did not make us to live alone, in a box, or continually center-stage without other players in the production of life. This feeling pervades more now than I can remember at any other stage in my life. Maybe it is because so many friends are getting married and starting their own lives, or perhaps because I am back in a vulnerable place living at home, maybe it's just a lack of sleep or lack of carbohydrates in my diet. Regardless of what it is, it is hard to get away from the burning longing for companionship, to have someone to share life with, to talk to, to laugh with.

Henry Rollins said, "Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better." I don't know if I necessarily agree with him because right now the night air isn't smelling any too sweet, but I do believe that the feeling of loneliness reminds us of our mortality, of our need for people and makes us pause before we neglect the people and relationships we have been blessed with in life. What is so remarkable about my feelings of loneliness is the volume of people in my life who care about me. I can be in a room full of 300 people who genuinely care about and love me, but still feel absolutely, intrinsically alone. As if the type of companion I am looking for cannot be found in an ordinary group of people. Am I looking for someone who shares the same soul-feelings I do? Or is it something spiritual? Is it mystic in its origins? I think it might be a combination of all three.

I have a bicycle. Anyone who lives nearby probably has heard me singing the songs of "Glee" riding down the road on my white and teal Schwinn with a white basket on a summer evening. Very few days go by in the summer that I do not spend time riding my bicycle. I guess you could say it is one of the few places I can escape these haunting feelings of loneliness. Where I live is at the base of a hill. In order for me to bike anywhere, I have to start by riding up a fairly steep hill for several blocks. Once I get past the hill, there are several more housing editions built on the extension of this hill that make up my bike route. There have been so many times I have taken out on my bike-ride and wanted to turn around and go home. Days when I am tired, or am focusing on the cares of life rather than enjoying the nature around me, the music in my ears, and the lack of real-life on my bicycle. Riding uphill is not fun, it hurts my knees, it strains my thighs, it makes my lungs burn for air...it's hard, and if all biking were uphill I probably would just put the Schwinn in storage I hate to say.

Sometimes I feel like my entire life is uphill. Friends disappoint you, relationships don't work out, the stresses of work and school seem to overwhelm you, you spend more time with your parents now than you did when you were ten it seems. (not saying that's a bad thing, love you mom and dad!) But you feel alone. Like there is no one else in the world that understands what it is like to be singing a solo aria for 25 years on end, to be riding a bike up a steep hill with no relief in site. Let me tell you about the rest of my bike ride...

After I finish my lap through the city park and the two housing editions on the hill a few times, I start to get excited. For a mile and a half, from my mom's parents house to my dad's parents house, I don't ride my bike. I glide, barely ever peddling down the hills I have just climbed. The light breeze on a hot summer day whipps my hair out of my face, and to compare that feeling, I might as well be flying. There is little I could compare this feeling to. I ride probably thirty minutes for the euphoria of the five where I get to ride downhill, but that's enough. I get through with my ride ready to workout again, not because I've burned calories, but because of how it makes me feel. To accomplish something, to trade something hard for something exhilarating.

Here's the thing. Just like riding my bike. Life isn't going to be downhill the whole way. Sure, we might wish it was, but that just isn't how life works. Right now I have to admit, I feel like I've been going solo, riding uphill for a long time, with little relief in sight. I get tired, worn out, sometimes wonder why I even try working as hard as I do without stopping. I miss my friends who are married, I wish I were in love...but once I get off my soap box long enough to think I could realize what Paul Tillich once said so beautifully, "Language...has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone."

How long has it been since I truly rejoiced in my current place in life? That I am without attachment and could devote myself fully to being the best at what I do and who I am to be? To truly make a difference for the Kingdom of God as a single 20-something year old girl? To not worry about taking care of those to whom I am attached, but to dedicate my life to celebrating the downhill ride that will come if I wait out this time of testing, of loneliness?

So here I am, 1:10 am, I need to be asleep. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow, a lot of peddling uphill. So I will leave it at that. There isn't necessarily a happy resolution to my words tonight because I need to practice what I preach. I need to rejoice in solitude...but it is so hard. I will, however tell you one thing:

Hindsight is always 20/20. And I wouldn't enjoy riding downhill nearly as much if my muscles weren't aching from the strain they went through to get me to the top of that hill. Those trough periods make us who we are. To skip over them would be grave...as hard as it is for me to say this.

Thats all.

tony.

If you have known me for any period of time, you are aware of the object of my dearest affection. The thing I would walk over hot coals to hold. The thing which has motivated me to often press beyond adversity to pursue...often at the expense of other's opinions of me. Tony. That beautiful, wonderful thing that would make my life complete...if only.

In case you are completely out of the loop of my social networking, no, I'm not talking about a boy named Anthony, but rather the most coveted prize in all of musical theatre. The Tony Award. The Tony's are my world cup, my super bowl, my Miss America. Once a year my small-town girl TV glitters with all that is Broadway, from Kristin Chenoweth giving a passionate kiss to Sean Hayes, to Matthew Morrison's triple-threat performance. What can I say, I love the Tony's. I justify staying home from church the Sunday night they come on, vegg out in front of my television, and am transported to a different world for three hours. A world where I can break into song in a classroom without reprimand, or fall in love with Matthew Morrison eight times a week. ;) Theatre, music...these simply components make up so much of my life, take so much of my time, bring so much happiness.

So tonight I want to write to you, my dear friends about something very dear to my heart, the idea of creativity. Many times I feel we divorce our creative natures for means of being practical. What's more, we do not seek ways to incorporate that which is birthing inside us into our lives, our character, and ultimately our Christian walk.

When I was a little girl, my greatest dream was to be on stage (still is to a great extent), I craved to come to live when the spotlight hit my cue. I never felt more alive than when I was on a stage, performing. As most of you know medical reasons and fate kept me from ever pursuing my dream of being a Broadway Diva, but circumstance does not determine the death of my gift, my art, my creative passion.

Perhaps the reason I love watching the Tony's so much is to see, if even for only a few hours, a group of people devoted to what they love. Dedicated to a craft, singular in focus. How many times do we give up the thing our heart beats for for mediocrity? In my opinion the thing which makes your heart beat fast, and keeps you awake at night because it is tugging at your heart is the first step any Christian also must take in finding the calling of God on their lives.

I know so many artists who struggle to find their place in the world, a way to express themselves, because they cannot support themselves by their art. So often we turn our back upon the thing we love the most because we know it will not make us a fruitful living. We have heard enough people say we "aren't good enough," that we start to believe them and, instead, settle for a life of mediocrity without ever fully being engaged in whatever work we are doing.

I have often written of how God has a specific calling, an ultimately creative dream of every one of His children. It is our choice whether we accept it or not. I know the dream God had for my life started somewhere and is ending up somewhere I never would have expected. A place far greater than the Tony awards (although if I ever do have children I am 150% certain they will be thanking me in an acceptance speech at the Tonys), a place where only I can go, a place of supreme creativity, flowing with the power of God, my calling.

I am reminded of Ezekiel in the last chapter of his prophecy, looking beyond all the struggles, trials, heartaches, and bitter tears which must be endured by God's elect. He looked beyond satan's fury to the church's final triumph and conquest. In this chapter Ezekiel describes the fullness of the New Jerusalem, saying:

The circumference of the city shall be 18,000 cubits. 

And the name of that city shall be from that time on,

THE LORD IS THERE.

The literal translation of "Jehovah Shammah" is just that, THE LORD IS THERE. Even when Ezekiel knew he would never see the New Jerusalem in his lifetime, the Lord was there. The Lord was there as Ezekiel creatively wrote the circumference of the city to be a perfect, exact, and exceedingly large. Larger than the troubles of Israel or the size of her enemies. He spoke peace to the children of Israel and he speaks peace to us tonight that, even if your dream seems crazy, it is there for a reason. No, it might not come in your lifetime, you may never see the fruit, but you can contribute a very important narrative to this story that began with Adam and will end in the New Jerusalem. What is important is to know this, THE LORD IS THERE. Wherever your destination is, he is already there. Wherever you are tonight, He is there.  

Creativity is not something we lose when we chose the life of a disciple, but rather something to be embraced. Who knew the emotion of the human existence greater than Christ Himself who felt everything a human feels, yet without sin? We are ultimately creative because we were created by the Ultimate Creator. I urge you to release the creativity God has given you, and use it for His glory. Find the place that makes you most alive, and begin to view that place as an altar of worship to the Divine Creator

What is that place? Where do you feel the most alive? Where do you wake up with ideas to accompany your pursuit of your dream? A very wise professor once told me, "Your calling is where your greatest desires and the world's greatest needs intersect." For some it might be to preach, or teach, or be a plumber. But for many it comes with musical scores, films, photographs, writing, painting, art, and the performing arts. The thing most important is that you view it as what it is, a calling. Something Heaven has blessed you to excel in, to express with, and something that gives you a voice and megaphone to proclaim the glory of the Creator. Oliver Wendall Holmes once said, "Every calling is great when it is greatly pursued."

I write this blog as a performing artist who understands that my ability to even sing, to practice my art is a miracle of God. There are always obstacles on the way to fulfilling your calling, but every calling is worth the risk, be it the risk of failure, or the risk of other's opinions. You are never more yourself, never more alive than when you are functioning in the fullness of a God-centered calling. Doing what you love as an act of worship.

I was particularly moved by Viola Davis's acceptance speech for best actress in a play tonight and I will leave you with this:

I do not believe in luck or happenstance. 

I absolutely believe in the presence of God in my life

I was born into a circumstance where I couldn't see it with my eyes,

I couldn't touch it with my hands, so I had to believe it in my heart.

Hidden deep within your heart is something you can't see, can't touch, but yet is so real it was written on your heart the day you were born. It is your place. It is your calling. And it will never reach it's full potential without the presence of God. 

God made you who you are for a reason, with all your quirks and insecurities, He still views you as the apple of His eye. If God can use this eclectic, loud-mouthed, show-tune singing preacher's daughter from Western Oklahoma to speak to nations, I have no doubt he has even greater things in store for you. And no, it may not always look like what you thought it would (a Tony award), but in the end I know you will rest saying, "God's ways truly were higher than my own.

Let us live our lives with creativity, purpose, ever thanking God to be artists, ultimately creative because we were created by the Ultimate Creator. Let us greatly pursue our callings to make our callings great, and who knows, maybe someone reading my blog one day will win a Tony award???

p.s. if it is you, I get to be your plus one.