When You are content to be simply yourself and
don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you.--Lao Tzu
Lately I have been thinking about what it means to be content. What it means to be comfortable, and happy in a situation that you may, or may not, revel being placed in. I doubt I have a single friend or acquaintance who would argue their life has turned out exactly as they have planned or hoped. I know for certain mine has not...nevertheless, the question to answered is whether or not I can live fully in a situation, circumstance, or place that I might not have chosen for myself.
If you were to ask me where I pictured myself in 10 years on my fifteenth birthday, I can promise you the last thing I would say is, "Living at home, working on my second degree, in a bit of a state of limbo, greatly reliant on parental support." I had a lot of dreams, aspirations, and plans. (I actually think I was supposed to be a FOX News Analyst at this point..perhaps we should be glad all dreams don't come true.) I wanted to get as far away from small-town Oklahoma as possible. I wanted to see the world, pave my own way, fall in love, get married, and have a beautiful life. It might have seemed to the outside world that I had everything figured out...then life happens.
We learn the pain of making wrong decisions. We see that people don't always have our best intentions in mind. We learn that love hurts more than it soothes most of the time. We learn the feelings of loss, rejection, pain, and hurt in a more real way than we ever thought possible. We become disappointed with others, God, and ourselves. We become skeptics. And often times...we give up hope.
I remember well how disillusioned I was upon college graduation. Everything I thought I knew so well, all the things that seemed so concrete and certain were now falling all around me. I looked for a way of escape, not a way of facing my fears in the midst of a quarter-life crisis of belief. Two years later, however, I cannot help but marvel at the faithfulness of God, even when I didn't want anything to do with His plan for my life.
We think we are so smart, that we can identify the person we need to be, the things we need to have, and the people we need in our lives on our own, without listening to anyone else, and avoiding all counsel. Two years ago I spent most of my time obsessing over the opinions of individuals who would become toxic to my life, rather than uplifting, exhausting myself for the approval of man, all the while hating myself and the place I was in. I wanted more than I had, and wished for a different life than that I was blessed with.
What brings this to my attention is the premiere of the Sex and the City II movie. My sister and I laughed today, remembering the premiere of the first movie. Thinking back on the night I went to see it, at the same theatre, two years ago, I surrounded myself with individuals who couldn't care less where I would be in two years. Although I had a lot of fun in the moment, I remember waking up day after day feeling alone, abandoned, as though I had no one to support any dream I might have or aid me in a time of need.
Though there is a lot that can be said about making positive choices in friends and those whose counsel you listen to, I cannot help but think the greatest difference between Bre "then" and Bre "now" has occurred, not in the individuals surrounding me, but within myself.
Doris Mortman once said, "Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have." Over the past two years, I have begun to see that reconciling the relationship I have with myself has been more important than surrounding myself with a false blanket of security. I have dated different guys, could be married right now if I wanted, but it terrifies me to think of the life I would have had because I was so far removed from the person I needed to be. So consumed with other's opinions I was living reactively to every situation.
So here I am, two years later. Living at home. Going to school. In Western Oklahoma for at least two more years until I graduate. Consumed with school. Still Single.
But...daily working to choose contentment.
Proverbs 14:30 reads, "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." If we sit obsessing over how different our lives would be if we had this, or lived there, or had him, we will literally rot our lives away. Living with the coulda, woulda, shoulda of life is agonizing and makes happiness impossible. Sure, I'd love to fast-forward my life. There have been times I've thought that escaping my place, getting an ordinary job, and following my heart might be the best option, nevertheless life installs certain "check-points" that make you realize there is so much more to life than the "right now" and that, despite your anxiousness, you are exactly where you need to be.
I thought about this last night driving home from OKC. With me were three of the most beautiful, smart women I have ever met. People I am honored to call my friends. Were they my friends two years ago? No. Would my life be different if I had never met them. Yes. The fact is, I highly doubt these beautiful, quality, smart girls would have been my friends had I met them two years ago. I was so consumed with things that didn't matter, pleasing people who didn't matter, and never finding peace with who I am. I am so lucky that God's grace brought me back home, at this point, to create the life I was always meant to live with these relationships that make me a better person.
I have the greatest best friend in the world now. I get the honor of going to nursing school with her over the next two years. What is funny is I met her two years ago, when I was a drastically different person, with incredibly skewed priorities. How would my life have changed if I would have been content with where I was going then? I am making the commitment now, to not make the same mistakes.
What I am trying to say is this: don't judge your life by current circumstances. Don't judge love by your last relationship. Don't build walls to keep yourself safe. Choose to live the life you are given today, and when God or circumstances say, "Wait," reply, "Gladly." I wish I would have waited. I wish I would have trusted. Even today I wrestled over how I wished a certain part of my life were different. That I could follow my heart somewhere beautiful and not worry about responsibility. It doesn't end because we grow up or go through something. Daily we must make the choice to be happy with where we are, who we are with, and what we have.
I cannot wait for two years from today. I know I will look back so proud of the degree I will have, the new car I might have, and encouraged by the beautiful people that have stood by me through these next two years. You cannot react and focus your life over what other people might do or say. I could easily make choices that make others happy, but in the end would not be in my best interest or in the interest of the future in store for me.
Seeing how much I have grown, simply because I got to the end of me, and welcomed the presence of God to bring peace into my heart and place in the world gives me hope for the next years of my life. I won't win every boy's heart. I won't always make the best grades. But if I relinquish control of my life, my circumstances, and other's opinions of me and fully live in the moment I have been granted, I know I will not be disappointed. I will not be ashamed of who I am today and the person I am becoming.
Hebrews 3:5 reads, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have. God has said, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." So many opportunities in my life were given up because I was worried about what someone else would think. Countless opportunities to help others or better myself were passed up or not even seen because I was worried a certain boy wouldn't like me. What's sad is, boys, friends, even mentors come and go, but at a the end of the day, you are stuck with yourself. So strive to be a person that you can be proud to know.
Am I still looking for love? Of course. Do I want many of the same things I did ten years ago? You bet. But today I am thankful that my life sometimes puts speed bumps on the way to my destiny so that I end up somewhere I can be proud of. Today I am more determined than ever to be a good example, to be a living testiment of how beautiful a life can be when you relinquish control and are thankful for what you have now.
Jim Elliott once said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation which you feel to be the will of the Lord." Today, Western Oklahoma. Tomorrow, who knows. I am not where I want to end up, but I cannot wait to see where I am going.
And those people who might bail because where I am stretches them, and makes them uncomfortable today? Well, I'd dare say they look back in two years with a great deal of regret. God's ways are higher than our own. So to everyone with me on this journey, hang on, it's going to be a wild, but beautiful ride.
