These are the type of questions I ask myself frequently. Happiness has become something of a quest to me. All our lives we try to find the thing, the job, the place, the person who can bring us happiness, and pursue that thing with every part of our being. What is so terrifying about all of this is that people, places, and things fade away often and when they do, do they take your happiness with them? Is the memory of that feeling enough to keep one going?
Here is a classic example. My family loves to travel to Scottsdale, Arizona. I have memories of this locale spanning from age eight to two visits this year. My father loves the JW Marriott resort, the spa is gorgeous, the pool is peaceful, the sun is shining, and it is miles away from any problem or stress associated with our lives. The landscape is both my parent's phone backgrounds and the wallpaper on my father's computer. Often I hear my dad editing familiar songs to make them applicable to Scottsdale. My family loves Phoenix. Here's the catch: we have never been to Phoenix in the summer. My parents frequent this beautiful local the second and third weeks of February each year. This year we went out on a limb and traveled there over spring break. Would the opinion, the feelings of happiness that pervade through this house be different if we visited in 120 degree weather? Would we leave Arizona with the same infatuation for perfection? Or would we just be fanning ourselves, thankful that at least in Oklahoma the wind blows a little air (regardless of how hot it may be) to relieve the terrible summer heat?
I have looked for happiness on every corner of the globe, in every academic discipline, in every fad that came along. I've searched for it in different denominations, different boys, different modes of self expression. Although I have had solitary "moments" of, what I would define as "happiness," the feeling goes away. I get the latest Louis Vuitton Handbag, feel like I am the queen of the Upper East Side, until next week when Blair is carrying the latest YSL.
I have tried to find happiness through my faith, but so often we put perimeters around God's plan for our lives. Happiness comes only when things are going our way. It is impossible to be happy when going through a trial or testing. Yes, we can worship through our pain, but do not dare call us "happy" about our plight. We bargain with God, we beg Him to remove our circumstances so we can praise Him as we want, when we all know, the moment adversity is removed, the more likely we are to forget the Master. Why is life so hard? Why can we not find a place of balance, of calm?
I'm not necessarily "happy" about my lot in life right now. Living at home, going back to school, working part time. I'd have loved to have had a career, a husband, a Volvo, a puppy even by this point in my life. I see so many people in much more stable places, but for some reason I cannot help but rejoice in where I am.
I want everything now. I always have. I probably always will. But the truth is, I'm not ready for the wonderful, beautiful, big things that God has in store for my life today. If I had it all, the boy, the job, the clothes, the house, the car...I wouldn't have the slightest idea what to do with it. I would, in the end, not be happy even though I have everything. I'm not ready to be a wife, I'm not ready to fully be me yet. Why is it so hard to let go of the "you" of yesterday, with all the screw ups and failures, and disappointments? Why are we so hesitant to become the person we were always meant to be? Are we scared that we might again fail? Looking at "old Brea," I easily say, "well we can't screw up any more than that girl," but still that is no excuse for not moving on. I know I have much to offer others, but I must first come to the realization that I, today, with grace, have everything I need to be happy. Everything.
Sure, I am still living under my parents roof, under their rules. But I am terrified to think of the mistakes I would have made over the past six years had they not had the voice in my life they did, and continue to have. Of course, I long to live in a big city, to meet new people and experience new things, but I have never had a closer friendship than several I have made in the past months here at home.
It is so easy to become focused on what we don't have, we neglect to see that the things we are complaining we don't have, we actually do...they just don't look like what we thought they would. I'd be a mess in a relationship right now, so maybe that's why I'm not married. I have come to realize that happiness is not a stroke of luck, but that happiness is the consequence of personal effort. Each day, with the Lord's help I must make the decision to be happy. I must make the decision to pray, I must make the decision to be the best student, daughter, sister, and friend I can be today.
In Elizabeth Gilbert's beautiful book, she speaks of prayer, "It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."
I grew up despising western Oklahoma, waiting for my ticket to get out. Yet, now I see that the world is not as kind as I had thought. I am thankful now for where I am, for the happiness that I am able to create and sustain here. I am thankful for the dear, true, genuine friends I have been blessed with as companions on this section of my life's journey. I look forward to the days ahead because happiness must be seized, not stumbled across. Sure, I cannot wait for the future, to find my prince, to have a career, a family, to touch lives for eternity...but for now I am here, and for that I chose to be happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment