Purpose.

I've heard it said that some people wander aimlessly through their lives to only find their true purpose on their deathbeds. What is more sad is that most of these people's purpose lived with them, breathed with them, inhabited the same homes, shared the same street their entire lives. So often we are so distracted by things that may never happen, or opinions of people who don't matter, or are obsessed with an image of ourselves we would like to create, we don't look at the bigger picture going on around us. We trade in our true purpose for a second-rate state of ordinary that will at least be competitive with our neighbors and peers. 

I have been thinking a lot about purpose lately. When I was a teenager, I remember being so full of destiny, hope, and courage to believe my life would count for something beyond what I could achieve in my own capacity. I remember having dreams and ambitions that seemed so unbelievable now, but so tangible then. There have been days where I have thought back to the sense of urgency I held to winning the lost, living a life of integrity and uprightness, and using my brief time on earth to matter for eternity. How far removed my young-adult life is from those undiluted, uninhibited goals of changing the world. Why do we so often let life, disappointments, and personal failures compromise our callings? 

A lot has happened since I graduated high-school. That bright-eyed girl was hit with a hard dose of reality, personal sickness, heartbreak, and shame. A lot of life was packed into the past seven years, and with that living came much doubt. Some of my pain was self-inflicted, some of it was not. Through it, however, I rationalized that the plan of God for my life must be different from the one that bright-eyed teenager had. It wasn't big, over the top, part of a larger story that started with God and ends with God. No, it was practical. It was comfortable. It was ordinary. 

For the past five to seven years I've searched for a place...any place in my life to feel safe and content. I've tried different churches, different relationships, different schools, different majors, different jobs, different locations, all ending up in the same place. Dissatisfied. Unhappy. Wanting more. I've tried to convince myself on multiple occasions that my current path is the path I'm supposed to walk down. "This is what a loving relationship looks like." "you'll be happy if you get this degree, or take this job." Yet for the past seven years I could not pinpoint one moment where I have felt absolutely and completely content, at peace with myself, and happy with my place in life. 

I attribute this "lost" feeling to not being in my purpose. Not living out the thing I was placed on earth to accomplish. Not doing what I was naturally gifted at. The thing I would do for free. The thing I would devote myself to if I knew I only had a limited amount of time on earth to live.

See...here's the deal. Sometimes I forget that my life isn't about getting God into my life and my future. Life isn't about God having His way in my relationships or career ambitions. God's story has been going on longer than I've been alive. Longer than the universe has existed. This Great God of the Universe, however, has chosen to give me a role (however small it may be) in this story He is telling. This epic love-song He is singing to creation...and all this time I've been worried about figuring out my life, on my time-table, to fill my own selfish desires and aspirations. The things the world tells me I need. A good job. A husband. A house. A couple kids. A mortgage. 

For the last few years I've been spinning, trying to find a way to fit God into this tiny little story I was creating for myself that, in the end was all about me and ultimately would make me miserable. As most of you know I have spent the last year of my life killing myself with science and math classes to apply to nursing school. I finally felt like I was on a plan to getting away from home and in two years having a wonderful job that paid well. Somewhere I could work, then leave work at the hospital and do what I wanted with life. I was so excited when I was accepted. I made plans. I gave myself pep-talks. I agonized my way through classes that didn't interest me because I finally felt like I had done something right. Then purpose came knocking...

You see, with as great and admirable as being a nurse is. With as wonderful a job and income as it would afford me...I could be the best nurse in the world and still be miserable. I could work as an RN at Columbia, married to the head of Neurosurgery and still cry myself to sleep every night. Not because there is anything wrong with that life, but simply because it is not where I am supposed to be. It's not the place my life is meant to fit in this grand epic that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the Kingdom. And this fact has tugged at my heart since I was a little girl, that I would never be happy unless I was doing the thing I was set out to do before I was born.

Maybe we talk ourselves out of our purpose because as we mature, get older, and inevitably make mistakes, we feel like we are no longer worthy of our calling. Maybe we feel like it was a great dream for a young-person, but now we need to be practical. In my case it was a little bit of both. I made mistakes, I disappointed myself. A lot of things happened to me from the death of my aunt and cousin to my jaw surgery that I couldn't rationalize in my mind. I still didn't understand why I had to go through these things. So I talked myself out of it. I settled for less, thinking it might be enough.

For those of you who know me, you are well aware of the calling of God on my life to speak from a young age. I've felt called to preach since I was five or six years old. I think I viewed this as an easy choice seeing as I grew up in a minister's home, around ministry. Of course I wanted to be a preacher. While life and circumstances have attempted to separate me from this passion, the desire has only grown. 

You can't outrun your purpose. And you can't fight the Almighty for very long.

So to make a long story extremely short. Last week I started nursing school. This week I withdrew from the program I was in to whole-heartedly pursue the call of God on my life to ministry. I realize this will mean sacrificing a lot of things that make me comfortable, consecrating every decision of my life to the Holy Spirit, and not looking back. I realize the change this means. I understand the costs, and I have never been more confident in a single decision in my life. 

Over the past five days I have already had offers for full-time ministry. The presence of God has been so strong upon me I've felt dreams I had forgotten and new dreams come to life. Although I do not know all the details of this life-long commitment to the work of God, I know for the first time in a long-time I am exactly where I need to be at exactly the right time. 

Being content is a funny thing. Everything around me has remained the same, but it looks completely different. I have changed. My priorities are changing. A weight has been lifted, and I am determined to be the best example of what a Christ-follower looks like to the world that I can possibly be. I want to change the world, and I'm remembering now what it feels like to think that might actually be possible.

All the heartbreak of the past years, all the mistakes I have made will only serve to benefit the kingdom. I realize now that going through things doesn't make you less of a Christian. Making mistakes doesn't belittle the anointing upon your life. When you are able to accept circumstances and admit mistake, yet point to the forgiveness, the mercy, and life-changing power of God, you have an ability to relate to the lost. You have way to give hope to others facing impossible circumstances. I am so thankful for a God who doesn't give up on me just because I gave up on myself. 

This is the starting of something new. This is the start of something fresh. I feel in most every way like this is the start of my life. 

I understand that some people might not understand my decision, or support it, and that's alright. I thank everyone who has prayed for me in the past weeks and those who have been praying for me my whole life. Thank you for journeying with me this far...I hope to keep all of you around for this incredible adventure. 

There is a lot going on right now, I will post more information about my plans as they become available. Until then. Many blessings and as always, all my love.